New Years Approaches: Time for Resolutions

Are you ready? Are you pumped? It's an exciting time: right now. The new year is right around the corner.  You know what that means, right? That means we get to kick this perpetually treacherous year to the proverbial curb; that means we get to make new resolutions; that means we get our annual injection of hope. The possibilities are endless. This year will be different. Right?

Do you ever approach a new year and reflect on the previous new year? Do you ever think about how the new year has become somewhat trite as it begins a new, yet unchanging cycle?

This year, I'm going to be happier. This year, I'm going to lose weight.  This year, I'm finally going to make that move. This year, I'm going to be a better person. This year, I'm going to fall in love--or at least fall in like.

We seem to constantly set these incredibly ambitious goals with our sights on the end instead of the means. We tend to neglect the path and think about the gratification of achievement.  We intend to reach the peak but we don't consider the climb.  The new year season is a season of hypotheticals.  Problematically, hypotheticals don't usual turn into realities.

I posit that if we were to reach for the stepping stones rather than the end goals, we'd reach our end goals more consistently. We need to position ourselves to succeed rather than merely hoping/wishing we'll succeed.

Instead of saying you're going to lose weight, say you're going to go to the gym once a week.  Then go to the gym once a week, then twice, then three times.

Instead of saying you're going to get a job, say you're going to find one place to apply to every day. Say you're going to talk to one person a day and inquire.  Say you're going to do something each day to make someone want to hire you.  Don't just desire that job, put yourself into the position for a job.

Instead of saying you're going to fall in love, be more social. Do things to meet new people.  Throw yourself out there.  Why won't people like you? Why do other people have what you want? They go for it.  You don't just get to love; it's a process.

Instead of saying you're going to do better at school, say you're going to study an extra hour each week without distraction. Heck, even an extra half an hour.  Let yourself accomplish that and see the difference it makes.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

Instead of making seemingly defined but actually vague goals, shoot for tangibility.  Shoot for ways to get you in position.  We can't leap from A to Z.  It takes steps.  Successful people don't reach success over night.  They work at it constantly.

Payton Manning and Tom Brady haven't sustained success by constantly throwing deep balls and going for the instant score.  They've sustained success by working at getting first downs and moving towards the endzone.  Perfecting their craft.

Similarly, we need to have our goals be to get the first down.

I'll be honest, I often consider myself a hopeless romantic.  I perpetually wish for and desire real connection.  But I never feel it and I never have it.  I yearn for companionship.  I'll see other people who are happy and wonder why not me?  My problem? I want to fall in love but I haven't positioned myself to succeed.  I haven't thought about the process.  Instead, I've neglected it.

I haven't thrown myself out there.  I get in the situation and stay standing.  How can I complain when I don't help myself out?  I'm consumed by thoughts of failure or even worse, success.  But yet I still wish/hope/yearn for it.

At the end of the day, if you want to change something this new year you can.  You don't need a new years resolution to do so, though.  You have the power. We have the power.  It's a matter of how we approach this change.  It's a matter of how much you really want it as opposed to how much you want other people to think you want it.  Talk is cheap.  Life isn't going to just hand out the rewards (for most of us).  If you truly want to achieve a goal, prove it.  Take the necessary steps and position yourself for success.  Be what you want to be. Do what you want to do.

I believe in you.

Challenge: Face Fear and Fight

Fear.

F.
E.
A.
R.

Fear of failure.
Fear of mistakes.
Fear of being made fun of.
Fear of being hurt.
Fear of screwing up.
Fear of spiders.
Fear of people.
Fear of loving too much.
Fear of loving too little.
Fear of it not being enough.
Fear of judgement.
Fear of....

Fear. It's exhausting. It's paralyzing. Everyday, we all face it to some extent; we all face it to various degrees. But we all face it.  Something makes us take a step back and say what if I don't or what if I'm not...?

As we evolve, so does our fear. Each new stage in our lives, each new chapter, brings a new worry, anxiety, fear.  I don't care if you know someone who says they're "fearless." That's bull. They aren't.  We naturally face "fight or flight" on the daily.  I'd argue, that's our body's natural fear. Key word: Natural.

I think many of us are immobilized in some way, shape, or form by our fear. And it needs to stop.  I can't speak for all of you with certainly, but I know it definitely shapes my life. Based on my observations, it shapes/controls others' lives too. A student fears they aren't good enough; so, he or she doesn't try.  One of my favorites: people who won't dance because they "can't dance" and fear they'll be made fun of.  Fun fact: not many people can dance.  It's not about the quality of dancing--it's about the quality of fun.

Like I said, it needs to stop. We need to, collectively, overcome our fear. I think the fear of doing things differently has arguably even hampered progress.  But, for the sake of this brief post, let's stick to individual bases.

For too long, I've let certain fears inhibit me from doing things that I dream about doing.  For too long, I've impeded my own happiness because I fear I'll mess it up.  For too long, I've cut out certain fears while letting others grow into uncontrollably poisonous weeds deep within my spirit.

Fear is so odd because it's such an enigma.  With it, I feel like I'm in constant paradox.  On one hand, it's so easy to overcome--you simply must choose fight.  We must act against the fear.  Like with dancing, once you start it's not so bad after all.  Yet, on the other hand, it's sometimes easier said than done.  At the end of the day, you just have to fight. Period.

I recently challenged you all to collect happiness.  Well, I now challenge you to fight fear.  I know it's not an easy thing to do but remember a few things.  One, YOU ARE MORE THAN FEAR; FEAR DOES NOT OWN YOU. Two, AT THE END OF THE DAY, SOMEONE WILL STILL LOVE YOU. Three, LOOK AT HOW HAPPY PEOPLE WHO CAN OVERCOME THEIR FEAR ARE. Four, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. No matter what, no matter how lonely you may feel, you are not alone.  Someone, in some manner, can connect with you if you let them.

So, I challenge you to find a way to challenge yourself to overcome your fear.  Maybe it'll take baby steps; maybe you'll throw yourself into the shark tank.  Just do it.  I think I want to write myself a note that I know I'll see daily that reads: Robert, it's okay to fail. Just get back up and learn.

It's weird because I've learned best from failing.  Like, some people used to think I was so good with computers in grade school.  I wasn't; I just failed until I got it right and learned how to do it right...I digress...

Be brave. Be bold. Be a fighter of fear. I believe in you and others do too. It's time we ditch our excuses and our fears and start believing in us. Let's get it.

A Christmas Question

I know I'll often say that I'm going to keep a post short and then I start rambling.  Maybe that's my version of short.  Anyways, today's post is actually going to be brief, as I don't have an answer.

I have a question I'd love to hear your opinion on.  If nothing else, I hope you'll read this post and it'll make you ask yourself this question.  As the holidays are upon us, I think it's imperative for each of us to do some reflecting.

I was talking to my brother the other day about certain circumstances when endless questions came to my mind.  My questions ranged from how long do parents give presents to kids to how sad should one be if he or she doesn't get a present and is the a societal thing to many others.  All of the questions lead to this central question that I want us all to consider:

Should getting presents (or maybe even the idea of presents in general) matter in the grand scheme of things?

Maybe some of you have faced a situation where you've had to consider that question; maybe some of you have.  Regardless, I think it's important to think about.  Have we lost the essence of the holiday spirit? Have we gravitated towards presents at the price of gravitating away from things like family, humanity, and love? What about all those who yearly don't have a Christmas with presents?

I have some initial thoughts and some deeper thoughts.  Maybe it'll be hard for people to ponder if they cannot empathize with situations where Christmas presents weren't impending.  Maybe it'll be easy.  I don't know.

I just hope for this holiday season, whatever holiday you celebrate, you try to take a step back from the materials and think about what's truly important to you this season. Celebrate the life you've been afforded and the people surrounding you.  If you can't do that, maybe this year you can give yourself the present of a new presence in the everyday.

A Challenge: Collect and Distribute Happiness

The other day at work, I was walking past a colleague's cubicle.  She often pins pictures of friends or from events. As I stopped to look, I noticed she recently added a few new pictures of paintings. Relatively small, the paintings intrigued me.

Upon seen the new photos, I thought about all of the art collectors out there, which made me think about people who collect sports memorabilia. This train of thoughts continued to thinking about the various materialistic items many of us collect to various degrees.  We seem to each have a particular, peculiar taste in some sort of trinket, collectible, etc.

This isn't it, but it's neat.

I often wonder about the reasoning behind one's collection. Is it to ultimately gain money by accruing a unique collection of items that can be sold for a great sum? Is it to show off one's great wealth or keen eye for art, design, or flamboyancy? Is it in hopes of filling some psychological void left from a childhood or life that has thus far left us feeling incomplete? Or is it simply for pure enjoyment?

I think it's some sort of combination on a case by case basis.  I've never really been into collectables.  I mean, I guess when I was younger, we'd collect baseball cards, but I didn't actively seek anything--it was more look we have baseball cards. Being a somewhat frugal individual, I've often questioned why people collect such superfluous things.  Why spend so much on materialism? When looking at those pictures, after this fairly rapid succession of thoughts crossed my mind, a new conclusion surfaced: What if we collected something more?

For some odd reason--I really don't know why--looking at those pictures made me smile.  I felt, momentarily, a certain sense of happiness. BOOM! We should collect happiness! We should become collectors of happiness.  Maybe all of these collections are procured for more than the aforementioned reasons.  Maybe people collect things that make them happy.  Note: I'd argue there is a difference between buying something TO make one happy and buying something THAT makes one happy.  If you're doing something TO make you happy, it insinuates inorganic and contrived instead of something with an organic, innate quality.

I don't think each instance of collection is for the purposes of collecting happiness, but I think that's something we should strive for.  We should strive to have more things THAT make us happy rather than things we think are going TO make us happy. Ya dig? For instance, my dad's a collector of CD's. His collection seems endless and it's perpetually growing.  He does it because music brings happiness to his life.  It's a part of his being; it's a part of who he is.  Better yet, music allows him to do something I think collecting happiness should allow us to do: music allows him to be a distributor of happiness. That is, through music and sharing music he can bring happiness to others.

Someone who buys, for instance, a bunch of clothes for the purpose of looking good and being accepted as fashionable in society is looking to bring themselves happiness.  The clothes don't actually make them happy (in this instance), but instead they're being used as a potential facilitator of happiness--they hope the clothes will gain acceptance, which they hope will make them happy. It's a gateway to the unknown with a hope they'll bring what the person desires.  Someone who is looking to facilitate happiness can't possibly distribute it with any vigor or authenticity.

What's great about this notion is it isn't limited to materialism.  For instance, we could consider time as a  currency. Many times, we'll spend time superficially with the hopes it'll make us happy.  I'm not sitting here saying things like video games or tv or texting is bad, but....think about it this way.  We spend time texting each other to stay connected and feel a sense of togetherness, yet for some reason our generation is more depressed than past generations.  For some reason, the texting leaves us feeling lonely because it makes us desire constant gratification.  Television and video games are great ways to relax, but what value to they really add to our life collection? On the other hand, you could be spending time with people who make you happy or doing things that make you happy.  Instead of sitting around moping watching TV, we could be visiting with loved ones, seeking loved ones, doing something impacting, bettering ourselves, etc.  Heck it could even being dancing in the rain or sitting under a waterfall.

I can't speak for you but I can say for myself all the TV shows in the world cannot compare to a good night with friends.  All the video games I can play cannot compare to going to the gym or writing.  When I do things that naturally make me happy, I'm able to spread that happiness.  I'm able to be a quirky, witty jokester that spreads joy to friends.  I'm able to write posts like this post that people (some at least) actually read and take into consideration.  I'm allowing myself to be both a collector and distributor of happiness.

I understand a lot of my notions sound good but are much harder to put forth into action than to conceive.  I just think if we could sometimes take a step back and reevaluate some things we could collective make the world better. If we stopped trying to facilitate happiness by doing things like going on diets to fit societies standards and instead exercise or eat right because it makes you feel happy, we could be better.  Random tangent, that's why I respect (and many others respect) Jennifer Lawrence so much.  She just does what she wants and doesn't give two F***s. But I think it's important to note that she does what she wants, but because of that she distributes happiness.  She's not a Bieber, who doesn't give a f is just a jerk-off to the world.  She actually wants to let people know that things are going to be alright if you'd let them.

I challenge you, my friends, to become collectors of happiness and therefore distributors of happiness. You can collect it through various way: photography, basketball, music, volunteering, art, etc, etc, etc. In the end, isn't that a major goal of life? Don't do it for others do it for yourself because only when you can achieve happiness, not the inorganic superficial stuff, can you really relay such happiness to others. You can't take care of others if you can't take care of yourself.  Let's get collecting.

School: What a Jerk

While perusing Facebook and Twitter today, researching companies for my work, I ran across a post that read something along the lines of, "School prevents me from having a life." My gut reaction was to roll my eyes.  Then, I thought about how many times I've heard that line, or a similar line before, and how many times I read it nearly daily.  Not only do people complain, presumably sometimes tongue in cheek, that school ruins their lives but I'm pretty sure it's too difficult, it asks for too much, etc.  Considering these qualms and complaints, and the volumes of them, made me wonder if it's true.

Let's discuss...

First let's talk about the statement, "School prevents me from having a life."  We must begin by defining "life." Obviously, the individual did not literally mean life, so I'll work under the presumption s(he) was referring to a social life. Okay, fair enough.  Sure, school keeps you busy so you don't have time on the weekdays to do much more than study or participate an extracurricular (IF you even have time for that).

But wait.

Isn't school the reason you have a social life to begin with? Didn't your first friends because of school? Didn't you learn how to socialize with others in a school setting? How dare they make you learn to function, or try to function, in the social world. Jerks. Without school, it's hard to say what kind of social life you'd have to begin with.  Sure, you meet kids at daycares and learn some social skills there, but is it really the same? You might learn to play with kids, cool, but what else? If you can speak with someone on an intellectual level it runs the conversation dry.  One can only build so many legos.

Well, elementary and middle school weren't tough.  Plus, I didn't have a need for a social life. Now that I'm in high school/college, school just gets in the way.

Life is just too tough, isn't it? Being afforded the opportunity to get an education, what a drag.  Again, you gain a social life through school.  You want to hang out with your high school/college friends, yet they wouldn't exist if you never went to school.  Want a social life instead of school? Fine, drop out.  Good luck supporting yourself, though. You'll just get a job at McDonalds? That's a helluva a life to shoot for. School is a necessity. Is a time consuming necessity? Yes. But put it in perspective. You know what comes after school? Work. At work, you don't get snow days, spring breaks, summer vacation (sans teachers), etc. You work and work and work and work. And depending on your job, you just may have "homework" to do to get paid. Can't live without that green. Furthermore, guessing such people are between 16-20 (as many 21/22 year olds realize they'll miss that meandering thing called school)..you have PLENTY of time to not have school.  You're barely statistically a quarter way through your life, if that.

Okay, but why do we have to take such difficult classes or classes we don't want to take?
Cliche time: Life isn't easy. It never way, never is, and never will be. It's a challenge; a wonderfully frustrating but ultimately satisfying challenge. You want to complain about school? Go talk to a homeless person struggling to find his or her next meal. You think they'd like to switch with you right now? These classes are there to shape you into a tougher person who can face adversity and not end up on the streets. These tough classes are there to push you to open your horizons and see the world from a broader scope.  These class are there to help you find your strengths and your weaknesses, and to help you find what you like.  These classes are there to help shape your life.  Did I enjoy taking history classes? No. But it helped me understand that I wasn't meant to be a historian.

People who succeed aren't successful merely because of skill.  They work hard everyday to achieve their goals--regardless if the work is easy or not.

Is college expensive? Yes it is. But how many people do you know don't get nostalgic when reminiscing about their college years? How many people do you know who have good jobs yet didn't get to college? I'd wager not too many.  We live in a world of instantaneous gratification--I want it now.  Don't stay the course, stay YOUR course and wait for the more satisfying gratification.  People want to blow off high school or college now to live, but I can guarantee you being able to live a gratifying life in your adult years will be much more impacting and lasting than having great teenage years.  Do you really want to live paycheck to paycheck, but say, "hey, my teens, those were the times"? I certainly hope not.  You have a great opportunity to not only impact your life but others. Take it.

Martin-Incognito: A Mess that Spills Over into Society

I'm always looking for new topics to blog about though, truthfully, I shouldn't ever run out of ideas because each day presents something absolutely fascinating.  The other day, a friend suggested that I write about the whole Jonathan Martin-Richie Incognito ordeal.  As I told him, I think this situation is so incredibly interesting yet equally messy.

If you, by chance, don't know what's going on you can search the Internet and find no dearth of articles.  Problematically, while an investigation is currently underway we still don't have the hard facts.  Situations like this one can be sticky because it often comes down to he said she said (or in this case he said he said).  Here's what we do know for certain: Jonathan Martin has left his team, Richie Incognito has been indefinitely suspended, both are looking for justice and vindication, and both have supporters. What makes this case so interesting: Jonathan Martin claims he was bullied by multiple teammates but the main focus is on Incognito, rumors have circulated Martin was lazy and didn't show much work ethic, Incognito is an undeniable d-bag, and many teammates have come to Incognito's side.

When analyzing this situation, I don't see how one can OBJECTIVELY say one person is more wrong than the other.  From the various stories and tidbits percolating the interweb, it's hard to side with either person.  Jonathan Martin is being painted as a wussy by some folks and as a role model by others.  The big issues I have with him, based on what I've heard, is that 1) teammates have said that Martin had the main piece of evidence in question (a voicemail from Incognito that poses death threats and uses obscene and defamatory words) for a while and laughed about it, but now suddenly it's a problem, 2) he's acting like he's the first person to go through hazing in the NFL, 3) it's certainly strange that his own teammates, generally speaking, aren't backing him (makes me wonder if this coup is a copout).  On the flip side, how could I or anyone really side with Incognito? 1) He's recorded saying these words, 2) I've heard stories ranging from him prodding a woman on a golf course with his club to demeaning staff members, 3) before this story broke out I knew him as the lineman who was always picking fights.  The guy is an awful person. Period.

I really want to wait until the investigators reveal more information until jumping to conclusions.  I think this situation plays out one of two ways: either Incognito gets the hammer dropped on him and is made an example for NFL locker rooms or Incognito gets acquitted of the accusations, gets his grievance, and Martin has a tough time latching on with a team.

While the overall situation is interesting, I think it's prevalent in more ways than just football; it highlights a lot of issues with our society today.

Media, Privacy, and Bullying
NOTHING IS PRIVATE ANYMORE.  Privacy is virtually non-existant. I really don't think this situation is the first time a problem like this has arisen in an NFL locker room.  In the past, though, it's remained in-house and dealt with privately.  Many folks within the Dolphins organization are irked and vexed that Martin took it outside the "family."  We don't believe in private matters--with the convenience of sharing everything from our food to our pets to how many breaths we took in the last minute instantly, it's like everyone knows everything about everyone.  It's super strange but how our world works now.  I think this lack of privacy or secrecy really hinders relationships as often people have nothing to share with one another in person and thus have no reason to interact physically (but that's a whole different issue).

If we weren't bad enough, the media takes it to a whole new level.  I believe I've said it before, but I hate the media so much.  It's absolutely overkill most of the time and it makes the world seem full of vitriol. I understand that bad things happen, but when you hear about it constantly how can you not be a little depressed? Matters get overanalyzed to the point where people are afraid to live at times.  Obviously, the media plays an integral role in keeping us knowledgeable, but it's just too much for me at times.

It's not the only factor, but a big core to this problem is bullying.  It's a difficult situation we're trying to grasp better today as a society.  It's a truly dicey and touchy topic.  On one hand, we see a sweeping movement to stop bullying, which is great. No one deserves to be bullied--there's no need to bring someone down to build yourself up.  On the other hand, we live in a society that overcompensates for this type of treatment and creates thin-skinned individuals, which leads to our pampered and entitled generation.  It's well known that rookies get hazed.  Should it be so intense that it causes people to become depressed? Probably not.  Should people get depressed if someone puts them down occasionally? Probably not.  It's a tight rope for me as someone who has experience in this area, but I think the fact that the term "bullying" is being used, it takes it to a new level.  We definitely have more work to do to resolve some of these issues.  Personally, I'm guessing the NFL will crack down on these hazing rituals to protect what's most important to them, their pockets.  I foresee many lawsuits arising if they don't.

N***************
What's also super troubling, to me, is Incoginto's use of the n.  Side note, Louis CK did a bit noting how when people say "the n-word" they're just putting the actual word in someone else's head, which I found interesting. Anywho...

There has been a lot of news, a lot of questions, a lot of opinions, and a lot of articles recently revolving said word.  As you may or may not know, Terry Foster wrote a piece not too long ago about how Tony Scheffler (a now former Lion and white individual) used the word somewhat freely with teammate Louis Delmas.  Many non-African Americans are questioning why they can't use it more freely as they argue it's become the norm in popular culture.  Well, here's one more opinion for you...

I'm going to try and keep this brief because I'm admittedly not an authority to talk about this subject but I do believe certain things should be noted.  What people do in their private time is theirs. As I stated above, privacy is at a minimum nowadays so people absolutely must be conscious and careful.  If people in the locker room of the NFL are cool with Incognito saying such words, as one teammate deemed his as a "non-racist and a honorary brother," that's their business.  But the second you record it on a voicemail or publicize it, you're overstepping boundaries.

I think people are becoming desensitized to the word and forgetting it's roots--slavery.  Following that thought, people are forgetting to contextualize the distinct fact that the ending has been changed in use from er to a.  It's not cool for me to say that word; it's not cool for Richie Incognito to use that outside of private conversations (that his peers deem okay). Period.

I read an article, I believe it was from NY Times, about the new movie 12 Years a Slave. The author stated that it was the first movie he could remember in some time that didn't glorify and desensitize slavery, but instead it painted it in a mortifying, truthful picture.  Basically what I'm getting at is sort of like how many songs like "Wade in the Water" were used to turn something negative into something positive (forcing religion on slaves turned into cryptic messages for escape), n was turned into something that wasn't in the white slave masters' control.  People need to stop the petty crap and let it go.

We are trying to simply a complex issue.

At the end of the day, this situation between Martin and Incognito is and will remain a mess.  It digs up many ugly skeletons we have been trying to keep in our closets.  How it's dealt with could shape how future situations are handled. For now we must wait and see.

Love is Blindness and We're Trying to See

Last I checked, the current season is fall.  Now I could be mistaken, but judging by my Facebook feed, it's currently the season of love too.  Within the last week alone I've seen multiple articles talking about love or marriage--one saying marriage isn't for you, one was a priest's rebuttal (which I currently can't find), and another was about the girls guys should go after.

The articles I've seen have created a lot of buzz, sharing, and commenting. People genuinely think these articles hold the answers (or at least tangible answers). What's been most interesting to me is how young these knowledge-droppers are.  It's amazing the knowledge they've amassed in such a little time. From their years of experience, they have qualitative knowledge to bequeath to the mass.  Sarcasm aside, the mass is listening.

Maybe the fact the this younger generation blogs more frequently sends these articles viral, but it seems to me we are desperate for a youthful voice to show us the way.  We want to know that life is going to turn out alright and our fears can be calmed.  I find it slightly ironic, though, that this particular guy has been acclaimed for his insight yet his insight was discovered via his father. Anywho...

For me, the information spread has been fascinating, but obvious.  Almost too obvious.  We are looking for a utopia that simply doesn't exist. We want to find that unlocks the impenetrable gate.  It's this innate desire that keeps us striving towards a dream yet slows our reality--we want perfection.  It's like we're on a journey to quench our insatiable thirst for the end all be all answer.

Life hasn't, doesn't, and will never work like that. What works for one couple isn't guaranteed to work on another.  A "HEY THIS HERE IS HOW TO ABSOLUTELY HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE" guide doesn't exist.  Theoretically, yes, I'm sure a perfect formula may exist, but theory and practicality are two very separate existences.  People consume droves of self-help books daily; people mindlessly follow leaders who claim to hold the solutions to their everyday struggles; people endlessly hope that the next solution will be the medicine that cures their disease (metaphorically).  Note the surplus of quantity and disregard for true quality.

Reality check: If such a thing existed, we wouldn't have so many answers percolating and so many uncertainties remaining.  If said solutions existed, they'd be going viral by now.  Each person's snowflake existence makes him or her impervious to ubiquity. It's romantic and fantastic to believe someone has it right, but it's equally foolish to live under the pretense that his or her footsteps have marked your path.

Maybe the concept of marriage can be simplified to the notion of bettering your partner, or maybe even centering yourself around God; however, as I've said before, how can you make such a matter of fact claim when so much variety and mercuriality exists in the practice of marriage or life in general for that matter?  How can we say, other than stemming from our subjective pride, that our practice is the right practice? How can we preach to our peers when we've so many failures of our own? But, then again, how can I opine in this blog and then expect you to consider my words when I'm trying to disprove others' preachiness? There in lies the question that keeps life so interesting: What should I believe?

I'm such an enigmatic person.  I find myself to be so cynical at times while simultaneously searching for  optimistic conclusions.  I guess, in this case, I'm just warning that though our peers or elders might have great stories, they aren't the stars of our plot.

I believe, momentarily, that we are puzzle pieces looking to find the piece that fits. Not every piece will fit with us, but more than one connecting piece exists--it's our journey to find the piece the fits best, which will allow us to continue solving the puzzle.

I'm still searching.

Reaction: Chivalry, Women, Excuse Me?

Late last week, I saw a shared link on the magical and mystical Facebook.  It's always interesting to see what people post or share--partially to get an insight into what others read and partially to see what's out there.  As we all know, the Internet is a vast and seemingly unlimited resource; so, sometimes you need other people to help you find worthy sites.  Before I digress too much,  I'll like to react to the shared link.

The article, an opinion piece, is posted on a side called Elite Daily.  The article is called, "Why Chivalry is Dead, From a Man's Perspective." I strongly encourage you to read the article as it will give you a better perspective of where I'm coming from.  It's a relatively short piece but I don't intend of summarizing it line by line. Instead, I'll summarize a few notions thrown out and go from there.  

First, I find it telling that the third comment posted about the article reads:

Article in a nutshell: "Man, I'm just trying to be a nice guy, but women these days are too busy being whores to appreciate me. Chivalry is dead!" Wait, wut?

A comment like that is disconcerting for an article; just an observation.  Summary of general main points: we live in a hookup culture and thus dating is done, people would be surprised what you could learn from others by going on actual dates and not just looking to bang, men aren't treating women the way they are supposed to be treated, we don't know how to communicate, girls only get with jerks, women are complacent, eventually women will wise up and ask for what they deserve, the author still enjoys meaningless sex but comes back to his core values.

I deep down think the author's intentions are innately good. I do, in fact, think he means well and is trying to grasp the day and age we live in while sticking to traditional values.  The problem is, though, he's just too off base for me.

I agree that communication is lacking in our world and we live in a hook up culture.  It is really hard to deny these points when they are staring us in the face on a daily basis--especially as a single individual. While dating isn't totally done, it seems more and more people are looking for a hookup as a means to facilitate a relationship rather than courting (besides internet "dating").  Also, communication is totally messed up with the droves of technology communicating for us today.  That's all fine and dandy.

He begins to lose me when he talks about women's complacency and how they merely get with jerks. Admittedly, I used to think that women just got with jerks; I guess part of me still does to some extent.  I think, rationally speaking, that's a really ignorant and naive stance, though.  For one, you can't justify grouping all women generically.  Secondly, I'd like to think that not all guys dating women are jerks.  Third, it feels like a copout to make such a claim.  I once heard an explanation that really stuck out to me about this "issue" from a woman's perspective.  Jerks are more confident in who they are and display that confidence; confidence is sexy.  Ergo, jerks are sexy.  Moreover, "good guys" often carry the stigma that they can't get with women because they aren't jerks and thus are lacking in confidence from the get go.  Many flaws exist within women only date jerks, but that's a subject for a different time.  The complacency is an issue that I'll couple with my biggest issue below.

He really loses me, and I think he loses sight of today's world, when he says that he believes women will wise up.  It seems to me that the complacency and the predicted "wising up" go hand in hand.  Again, I think this guy has good intentions at heart; I just don't think he thought this article through.  By calling women complacent and suggesting they need to wise up, the author is clearly ignoring feminism. DONE DONE DONE! Some people out there may not be overly familiar with feminism while others may not be for it in general.  I don't want to sit here and lecture anyone about the movement or debate it. The fact that this author and others need to realize is this: we aren't living in the same age as our mothers and grandmothers.  While we still have work to do, real progress towards equality is being made.  We don't live in an age where women are strictly housewives; we don't live in an age where women are strictly under educated; we don't live in an age where women are strictly powerless. I question if the author has ever thought that maybe women don't necessarily want what they "deserve." As a "man," I'd question if he considers it complacency for a man to let a woman pay for his dinner.

Chivalry isn't dead, it's adapting (or at least it should be).  As the time shifts so too must our definition.  I'll be honest, I'm someone who looks to pay for dinner, wants to buy flowers, hold doors, etc.  I'm not someone, though, who wants to force it down someone's throat to so they get what they deserve.  It boggles my mind to think that people still believe you HAVE to pay for dinner as a man--I'd venture to say some of these complacent women may carry the same confusion.  Dude, it's okay for a girl to take you out; it's okay for a girl to hold the door for you; it's okay to have her send you a gift (maybe not flowers!).  It's okay for there to be a certain give and take--an equality--between the partnership.

I couldn't help but laugh when the author's second to last paragraph concluded by mentioning (not long after saying booty calls were cool with him):

I’m not looking for a girlfriend, nor am I looking for a wife. If I take you out to a nice dinner, it’s because I’m a nice guy, and I am looking forward to spending time with you somewhere other than the bedroom.

He talks about the loss of chivalry and this trueness of relationships, but doesn't even want a relationship himself.  It's a little sketchy to me and seems to poke holes in his article's logical flow.  Do guys take their friends out to nice dinners just to spend time with them?

I know my arguments and rebuttals aren't as drawn out and matured as they could be, but I hope my message is simple.  It's cool to want to treat women nicely, but I think we need to understand, truly understand, where we stand today. I just feel like there is a better way to rejuvenate chivalry without having women wise up.

 

Best Practices: Acknowledging Failure

Of the various tasks I accomplish at work, one is sending a daily email that briefly sums up some positive, useful news that's easily consumable to the majority of folks in my building and some others around the country.  One item we encourage others to share is best practices--these practices could be useable for sales, meetings, projects, etc.  The point being: if you have something that works, share it.

When I joined my current team, they had been sending out a tri-weekly newsletter passing on somewhat similar information to the same people.  The problem was that they found nobody really read it.  Consistent with our fast paced, short attention span society, people simply didn't want to take the time to read the newsletter.  Initially, it my task was to carry on this newsletter's production; however, before my first week ended that task was nixed.  This decision to discontinue the struggling newsletter brought forth two very important results.  First, the birth of our email, which has been cherished and read by nearly all of the recipients (we constantly get very positive feedback).  Second, and arguably more important, the best practice of acknowledging failure and moving on materialized as well.  We decided it should be a mantra of our team: Don't be afraid to acknowledge that something isn't working.  As my boss has said, sometimes stopping something is just as important as starting something.

I propose that this "best practice" should be utilized both in work and in life.  Too many times, we lost sight of what's not working.  We might be always look for ways to improve ourselves--mainly through additions.  We want to learn a language, take a class, exercise more, etc.  Problematically, we too often neglect the dead weight we're carrying around.  If we could learn to rid ourselves of this dead weight, think of the possibilities!

I think the most obvious reason we choose to be oblivious when recognizing our failures is pride.  We are so caught up with maintaining as certain sense of pride, we can lose sight of what's right in front of us.  Problematically, we tend to carry a heavily negative connotation with failure.  Obviously, we shouldn't be striving for failure, but it'd be foolish to think failure can be evaded.  Thus, it'd be advantageous for us, rather, to pick out our own failure and move on.  If we can pick out failures then we can improve as people.  It's not a matter of simply saying, "Okay, I've failed," and moving on.  No, that leads to nothing positive (instead you'll keep repeating the same mistakes).  To truly allow a positive manifestation to arise out of our failures we must learn and move on.  Then, instead of constantly failing we improve on mistakes and get better.

Dealing with failure can be tricky.  If you ignore it, it will continue to drag you down knowingly or unknowingly; on the other hand, if you do admit it and use it as an excuse, or blindly move on, it will equally drag you down.  The type of adaptation and attention needed to utilize failure in our favor is what has kept progress going.  I truly believe successful people have mastered (mostly) this concept.

At the end of the day, life isn't going to work out the way we hope.  Our decisions aren't always going to strike gold.  We aren't going to be the best we can be.  It's the volatility of life.  In our relationships, our work ethic, our education, our careers, etc we are bound to fail.  Will you allow that to weigh you down to incorrigible depths or will you cut it off to ensure perpetual buoyancy? It's a best practice worth sharing.

Robert 

Nature, Nurture, and a Third Party

I continually try to be provocative with my posts as I continue to cover a variety of different topics.  I want people to think, question, ask, etc.  It must be the Jesuit education I've received for eight years though I seemed to have always been one to question.  I'm going to continue to ask for your opinion as I write these posts.  I know people are reading these (I see the views).  This blog is a sounding board with the intent of inspiring.  As I've repeatedly said, I have many thoughts that inhabit my mind.  Some of these thoughts are right (depending how you define right) while others aren't so right.  Anywho...

I'd like to bring up something that has been bugging me for quite some time.  To be honest,  I originally planned on writing about this topic for my second or third post way back when. I've finally decided to throw it out there.  Following the trend of my recent posts, I'm going to try and keep this thought relatively brief and concise.  I will try to avoid verbosity as I want to make the point, offer some insight, and then ask you to think.

Nature vs. Nature

I'm not sure about you, but I know especially since high school the nature/nurture debate has been brought up a ton, especially in classes.  For a long time, it seems, people have been debating whether one plays a larger role in the growth of an individual than the other.  Many arguments have been made, many theories have percolated, and much progress has been made.  I think it's relatively safe to say that generally speaking people today mostly agree that it's a pretty even contribution.  As with many things, we don't have a quantifiable test to determine the true value, but through observations it seems pretty evident both nature and nurture play a role in shaping an individual.  It's hard to argue one really plays a  more pertinent role than the other; however, I think on individual bases one could argue for nature over nurture or vice versa.

That's all fine and dandy, and I'm glad we can generally agree especially since we can't seem to agree on much these days.  I'd like to offer a third player in the shaping of a person.  Maybe not so much the shaping, but the trajectory of an individual's life.  What compiles their being, if you will.  When considering an individual and what happens in his or her life, I posit free will must be taken into consideration.  Free will might not be the best diction--maybe I'm think more about will, determination, etc.  I'm going to stick with free will, though, until I can think of something better or you can give me something better (see what I just did there?). 

So...

This addition to the equation is somewhat tricky.  Free will/will/determination sounds like something that would fall into the category of nature as it is stems from (presumable) our biological makeup rather than our surroundings.  True, very true.  I'd like you to keep an open mind though and view it as a separate entity.  

Two examples:

My brother, sister, and myself have the same parents and grew up facing similar circumstances.  Yet, our paths are all different.  We are all driven by different things; we all have our own ambitions.  Some things my siblings do make me scratch my head as I'm sure they feel the same way about me.  We have (basically) the same genetic makeup and nurture.  You could argue that our difference in drive/personality (I supposed) comes from slight alterations in genetics.  That could very well be true, but I just don't buy it.  We each exhibit personality traits similar to our parents and at the same time we exhibit non-similar traits as well.

I also can't help but consider this free will when considering really successful people who came from nothing or those who come from everything and end up with nothing.  It's hard to argue against the power of will when consider someone who is born into a family with a history of poverty and comes out on top. Numerous examples exist but look at someone like Jay Z.  I don't care what you think of the guy's art, he made himself into something purely by willing it and now he runs so much.  It's incredible.  Conversely, there are innumerable celebrity or even non-celebrity kids who come are born into great situations yet fail to do anything with their lives.  Yes, just because you have a crappy home life or rich parents won't dictate your childhood to be one way or another.  I'm just saying it's hard to deny these scenarios and their outcomes when there are equally as many that follow the suit you'd suspect.

To wrap this post up shortly, I guess I'm just saying we are all faced with multiple forks in the roads in our lives.  I feel like our nature/nurture gives us the tools but it's up to us to choose the road.  If you are determined to undermine your circumstances, I really think you can (positively or negatively).  I just feel at some point we ought to take more responsibility of our actions and our beings, and make more conscious decisions or accept them at face value.  Will you find the determination to make your life how you want?

The Powerfully Poisonous Image and Why We Must Overcome it

I'm going to keep this post relatively brief as I want it to be less space filling and more thought provoking.  Plus, I really need to get a post out since it's been too long in gaps, but that is another story (making excuses that I've been too busy transitioning).  More on that will come.

Today, more specifically now, I can't help but think about the notion of image and how heavy its implications can weigh on us.

We live in a world where image seems to be everything and we make it that way, which impeded our abilities to act innately.  Not everyone is worried about how their image is portrayed, yes there are always outliers, but much of our lives are micromanaged because of image. To clarify, I don't want you to think I'm trying to say you shouldn't care about your image; conversely, I'm same we should care about our image in a more concentrated and productive manner.  A couple examples to consider:

Drake, an actor turned musician, seems to be quite the polarizing artist.  On one hand, people like the emotional and real life quality he brings to his music.  On the other hand, he's too soft and emotion; some people see him as a weak individual and unworthy of musical accolades.  Since he falls under the rap/hip-hop category, he's proscribed an image of "gangster" or "hood" that he's supposed to adhere to, but he doesn't.  We tend to get so caught up in an artist's image and who they are supposed to be that we loose sight of the artist.

In a similar vain of artists and images, one can't help but think about Miley Cyrus.  She's an example of someone so desperate to break her image that she's going to extremes to create a new one.  I get the sneaking suspicion this new image isn't necessarily the image she wants deep down, but instead the one she thinks can be most beneficial to her short term in achieving certain goals.

An example that leaves me despondent:
Today, news broke about a 16 year old boy in Chicago who was murdered because he refused to join a gang.  The gang members tried to project their image on him and when he rejected their ideals they projected and protected their image by taking his away, permanently.  What's saddening about this story is that it isn't isolated.  Too many young people, in general, are getting murdered/killed because their image doesn't fit the liking of a certain group.

Countless war veterans either ignore or are ignored for their mental illness suffered from trauma post active duty.  They're so worried of maintaing an image of strength and honor, the fact that mental illness is real and dangerous (now matter how strong you claim to be) gets lost.  Sadly, because this image gets protected and deeper problems get neglected, tragedy strikes on both small and large scales.

As people of religion, we often project our images of what is supposedly ideal (which is another topic entirely).  When outsiders don't fit these images, we are quick to reject and condemn them.  Unfortunately and confusingly, trying to project and condemn images due to religion kind of goes against its core.  Treat others how you want to be treated; love your neighbor.  Instead, we preach religion but spread hate when the image isn't right.

Men have to be strong; women must be week.  When the converse image is displayed, there's obviously something wrong with that individual for they just don't fit.  Strong women are bitches; weak mean are girls.

The examples are plentiful, but I trust you get the point.

We get so tangled up in images and what image we should project that we lose insight and the sense of our humanity, who we are.  Instead of making the world a better place, we find it easier to crush it because it doesn't fit the image that we perceive to be true.  We preach love and say we want happiness, but project hate onto others.  Until we can accept the fact that people like what they like and let go that not everyone will fit the mold our minds create, we won't ever live in harmony.  I strongly urge everyone, myself included, to stop worrying about fitting into and image and just be you.  On that note, let others be them and love them for it.  After all, we're all an image of God, aren't we? I'd at least like to think that. I hope you take this thought into consideration. --Robert

Week One Observations: Five Things I Learned About the Working World

It's been a busy few weeks and I apologize for the delays in blogging but promise to pick it back up with a vengeance as I get settled.  Tonight, I'd like to make a quick, but somewhat fun post about things I learned/noticed from this first (unofficial) week of work. No crazy revelations here; just some simply observations.

Five Things I Learned About the Working World

1. Wearing ties is...frowned upon? 
As many of you know, and many of you may not know, I went to a private, Catholic high school.  Our dress code was shirt, tie, dress pants and shoes every day. The purpose of the dress code was not only supposed to keep us in a proper mindset to be ready to learn, but it was also implemented with the intention of preparing us for the "real world."  So, after four years of it I became very accustomed to wearing a shirt and tie for professional matters.  Heck, any time I had to be "fancy," a shirt and tie has since been a must.  At every internship I've worked at, I have worn a shirt and tie.  I have also been under the presumption that wearing a tie was the proper thing to do. False. This week, one of the first questions I got asked as I entered my new building and new job was, "Why are you wearing a tie?" Now, I'm sure not every workplace is like mine, but I figured as a bigger company they would follow whatever the ubiquitous fashion trend of professional businesses is.  A few people told me to not wear a tie.  I wore a polo shirt I found stashed in my dresser drawer today and it felt super weird.  Welcome to the working world. Where did the "real world" go?

2. Meetings are a requirement you're bound to form a love/hate relationship with.
As an intern, I wasn't ever really required to go to meetings--not too often, anyways. I went to a few here and there just to get the experience, but many times I was told not to worry about going.  From last Friday through this Friday, I've been to about ten plus meetings.  Some of them have seemed so unnecessary. Others seem necessary but ill-conceived. And others you just find yourself zoning out.  While meetings can be a drag they are a necessary component of work life (office work life, at least).  It helps keep communication in tact and drive projects forward.  The real beauty of meetings, though, comes from the fact that they help cruise your day along.  Today, I had an hour meeting and suddenly the weekend didn't seem so far away.  Meetings help make the workdays go faster, which isn't a bad thing in my book.

3.  Managing your time is really important.
As an intern, I'd often thirst for more work.  I would feel such hunger pains from lack of substance in terms of workload it'd drive me to the edge.  Other times, I'd feel like I stayed at the buffet for too long. What you learn quickly is that work can often be feast or famine.  In that vein, it's not a bad idea to learn quickly how to manage your time.  Time management is important in ever aspect of life, but especially in the working world.  You have to find the right balance.  If you don't manage your time, you can be sacked with too many projects flying your way, which could lead you feeling overwhelmed.  Conversely, you could leave yourself with nothing to do.  For the second scenario, I know one may say that if you have nothing to do you should ask because doing so will get you good remarks and maybe help move you up the food chain faster.  This may be true, but it could also backfire and cause too high of expectations that are going to bound you to failure.  From my sense of things, it's best to keep a steady pace.  Get things done in a timely manner, but don't overdo it.  If you do, it could lead to some troubling times. Sometimes, you have what's in front of you and think long term.

4. Communication is key.
This point is a good follow up to the last, I think. Besides being an efficient and effective worker, do you want to know how to really impress people? Be a good communicator.  This week I had to work on a lot of projects that involved routing back and forth between various people.  I made sure to answer every email, send frequent (but not overly frequent) updates, and route quickly.  I swear, it sometimes felt like I was re-inventing the wheel. I wasn't getting overly praised by any means, but I just got the sense that people were impressed at how effective I was at doing a job I had no training for and basically was rushed into.  (This week, I subbed for a worker while I wait for my position to start). Seriously, though, just being keeping good communication in tact can really separate you from other co-workers in a good way.  By sending the extra email if you think someone possibly forgot about a past project, email, question, etc. you can look like you're way on top of things.  It makes for a better workflow and is vital for success in the workplace.

5. It's as volatile as you imagine.
If you have been immersed into a work environment at all, you'll get this point early on, but it's worth noting nonetheless.  It's amazing how quiet and orderly a place can be at one moment then how loud and hectic it can be at the next.  People need to chat, fool around, and have fun to keep their sanity.  I'm happy that's still a thing in a work environment.  I really do think without the minor spikes in humor, conversation, random donut breaks, etc people would go insane.  I know if I don't distract myself once in awhile I would. Seriously, though, it's hard to get a read on what a "normal" workplace is.  One minute you're hard pressed for deadlines the next you're celebrating a different project's completion.  I already knew and understood the volatile nature of grownup work from past experiences (like how quickly people can be let go). What makes this a learning experience is the amount of people that left this week.  It may not seem like a ton, but in the matter of the week we lost three people from our general group, which is somewhat astounding to me and shows how volatile it really is.  Yesterday, one lady was showing me around the building, giving me suggestions on where to find things, and telling me about her passion for tennis. This morning I came in and found out she decided to quit.  It just makes you realize how even calm waters aren't safe.

I'm not sure where this adventure will take me, but I can tell you it will be an adventure.

The Key to Starting the Ignition: Attitude Drives Your Life

I've spent many of my post discussing various stepping stones on the path to finding happiness. I've try to look at the different components that make up one's happiness or the different ways one can find happiness. I've suggested that it's logical to choose to be happy over sad, I've suggested that controlling your own life could lead to more happiness, and I've even suggested taking out negative feelings towards others.  Each of these thoughts contain the common denominator of control and consequence.  The more I think about how one can truly find contentment within his or her own life, the more I believe the most important factor is the individual and his or her own will power to attain that contentment.

Quick Qualification

Before getting into this week's stepping stone, I think I need to mention something at the forefront.  I am a white male who has been afforded certain privileges in my life.  I didn't grow up with money, I've never had an allowance, I've endured certain struggles, etc. but I understand regardless of my living conditions I've still been afforded privileges others have not--both because of my sex and my skin color.  While we live in a world where I genuinely think progress is being made based on what I experienced in high school and have seen in college, I understand we still have work to do. Some people may believe that the playing field has been leveled, but it certainly has not.  Unfortunately, in some instances it still sways the wrong way where a certain genetic makeup is seen in a better light and in other instances there is almost an overcompensation to make things more even, which can flip the script.  I've seen it both ways.

Why did I add that paragraph? Why did I need to mention any of that? Well, I do a lot of general speaking. While I try not to generalize, I try to spread my message so it is applicable to every person reading it; however, life doesn't work that way all the time.  I understand that I can preach about living conditions, opportunity, etc. but I can never and will never truly know and understand what it is like to be in someone else's shoes.  I can try to all I want, I can educate myself, I can think I understand, but at the end of the day, I can't know.  That goes the same for someone who wants to think they understand my living conditions simply based off of what they know or perceive.  As I mentioned in my last post, I can somewhat understand why generalizations exist but you need to take things on a personal basis.  Unfortunately, for many people that doesn't happen.

I'm going to come back to this notion of privilege and opportunity later, but I thought I'd lay it out a little first.

Having conversations with a few people within this last week, as well as doing some self reflection, I've been thinking a lot about attitude.  Attitude plays such a paramount role in our journeys.  Genetics, skills, abilities, and hard work all play important factors, but the more I think about it the more I believe that attitude is the most important stepping stone towards achieving goals and succeeding in life.  It's hard to truly call one aspect more important than another, but without attitude all the other stones are rendered relatively useless. It is the tool we really need to hone first and foremost.  (Genetics/abilities are often out of our hands, yes, but I'm saying more in the grand scheme of things).

I can, and I will, and I do

Celebrities, athletes, and the likes are often in the spotlight.  While they can get annoying or may say or do some egregious things, if you listen closely you can gain some insightful information.  People who achieve great things, whether it's through accomplishments, fame, inventions, improves, etc. come from various backgrounds.  There is no simplified formula to predict if someone will achieve a particular greatness.  One message that I've often heard from successful people that constantly occupies my thoughts is the notion that what you believe will happen likely will.  Your attitude can dictate an outcome.  It doesn't always work out that way, true. I can say that I'm going to be a hall of fame quarterback and believe it to be the case, but in reality I have no shot.  You sometimes have to put dreams in perspective, but you have to carry the right attitude.

People who psych themselves out before trying will often fail.  If you carry the attitude that you're not smart enough, not skilled enough, not likeable enough, how do you expect to succeed? That attitude is the match the lights the wick; it's the initial domino.  If it's burning with a fire of negativity, how do you expect the explosion to be positive? Even if you don't necessarily buy into it, fake it.  Tell yourself you are good enough, you can do this, you will do this.  It sets the tone for so much of your life.

Let me give you an example. As a freshman in high school, I still didn't hit my growth spurt.  I came in as a 5''5 skinny, weak kid who never faced a ton of competition when it came to sports tryouts growing up. When I tried out for the basketball team,  I was up against multiple rounds of cuts (something relatively new to me), many bigger kids, many stronger kids, many more confident kids.  I had a subdued attitude that I probably didn't stand much of a chance.  Prediction correct.  I ended up getting cut partially because of my size and position, but also because I just didn't perform to my capabilities.  I didn't believe I belonged; I had a pretty negative attitude. Conversely, in my junior year of high school I was on the track team participating as a long jumper for my first full year.  Looking at me, I didn't fit the typical mold of a long jumper (at least what one might imagine anyways).  To me, though, I felt like I belonged, I thought to myself I could do it. I carried the attitude that I would succeed.  Because of this attitude, I trained hard and practiced hard.  I believed I could succeed and wanted to succeed.  Honestly, I think I succeeded.  I wasn't the best jumper in the state, region, or even on my team.  But I competed.  I was able to jump over 20 feet, which to me was an accomplishment as someone who was pretty raw at the sport, I was able to place fourth in the league meet (the top three being my teammates), and I was able to be a varsity athlete.  Our team's top jumper described me as someone who seemed to float in the air forever.  Morale of the story: When I carried a positive attitude, I was much more successful than when I didn't.

It just seems to me that attitude is such a driving force.  If you carry a negative attitude going into a situation, the likelihood of that situation being anything different isn't high. Why? Because you're looking for the negative.  You're attitude gives you an easy out.  If you don't think you're good enough, you'll be okay not being good enough.  If you think a party will be lame, you'll look for reasons to think the party is lame. If you don't carry a positive attitude, why would you work for a positive result? I'm begging you to not be a defeatist.  Sure, things don't always work out, but they'll never work out if you don't give them a chance.

People with bad attitudes don't often get anywhere. So, why carry one? If you have a bad attitude, I ask you, what's the point? What's the end goal? Why go through life think you can't? You can. Bad attitudes tend to catch up with people.  Someone can have all the talent in the world, but if they have a bad attitude, more likely than not that will hinder their likelihood of sustained success.

Even in terms of likability, attitude plays a role.  I don't know how many times I've heard confidence is sexy. If you don't think you're good enough, you won't act like you're good enough and people will take note.  I know it's a movie, but look at Hitch for example.  All Hitch does is give the guys the confidence to approach women who are "out of their leagues." Once they are afforded the opportunity and expound on the given confidence, they suddenly jump leagues.  He instills a different attitude in his clients.  It really plays a part in nearly every aspect of your life (relationships, work, school, looks, happiness, expectations, etc.).

I have many friends who maintain a can-do attitude and I have seen their growth and success because of it. Life isn't a cakewalk, it's not supposed to be.  You can succeed to if you'd like yourself try. And I mean really try, not say you're trying but half-ass it or say it's futile.  In terms of privilege and opportunities, I understand people have more than others but I also understand you can get around that obstacle with hard work.  Heck, I know some folks who have been given easy gateways to success their entire lives. I understand how difficult that is to swallow when you work your butt off but aren't afforded the same chances.  However, I've seen many friends who have faced diversity and come out on top and are coming out on top because they carry a good attitude.  They believe in their power and know they can and will succeed.  Because of that attitude and how they carry themselves, I know they'll succeed to.  It's hard to watch folks with bad or negative attitudes because I feel like they are wasting talent or opportunities.  Many factors play a role in how your life will turn out but it will always start with you.  If there is a will, as hard as it may be sometimes, I guarantee there is a way.

Losing My Balance: Using the Middle Ground to Find Fulfillment

I apologize for the time gap between posts; it's been a hectic week.  Excuses aside, I've been playing around with a few ideas in my head.  I could go in multiple directions, but as it usually goes one thought has made the push to take the lead.

Before I begin, I sometimes wonder if these posts are just pointing out the obvious.  I don't know if I'm ever really revealing some groundbreaking revelation that could potentially change the landscape of our lives as we know it.  I think, more accurately, I'm for the most part merely using these posts to serve as a reminder for the obvious.  Just because something is staring at you directly in the face doesn't mean you'll necessarily notice it.  We can all be blind to the conspicuous; it's human nature.

This string of posts, thus far, has seemingly been a journey to finding the path that leads to a happier, more fulfilling life.  This pursuit, though, isn't simply for a selfishly fulling life - although remnants of that remain - but instead I'd argue that it's a goal towards a universally fulling life.  This fulfillment that I'd like to achieve would permeate.  As I've said before, I tend to believe change often happens through a domino effect.  Think about it in terms of modernity: A YouTube sensation doesn't instantly become popular.  It takes one or a group of people to take notice, which leads to a certain domino effect.  Once one falls and sets motion in place, more fall consequentially and notoriety ensues.  Even with this blog, for instance, it took some friends to take notice and then they helped spread the word, which made for more readership.  So, after that long winded thought, let's get at it.

I believe that finding the middle ground in most scenarios is a vitally important component to find fulfillment and happiness.  I know that can be difficult sometimes especially when you've been raised to think one way or just have the personality traits to think another; however, I feel like amiable positions form from the middle ground.  Sometimes, yes, one needs to take a notion to the extreme to cause necessary change, but generally speaking extremes are called extremes for a reason.

I feel as though life is and has always been about finding balance.  People are always trying to find a certain balance in their lives.  For sanity purposes, many try to balance work and social lives, school and social lives, etc.  Sometimes you have to balance friends, activities, or even something as trivial as TV shows.

It seems as though a lack of balance is what causes problems.  Sides bickering for ultimate dominance of the situation, which leads to nothing necessarily productive in the end.  I know we all have pride and want to be right, but it doesn't always work out that way.  Sometimes, we are getting in our own way.

This search for the middle ground, or balance, takes many forms and could be exemplified in various situations. I'll give you an example of something I'm trying to find balance with in my own life:

I've really tried to be adaptable and easy going as I've gotten older.  If you know me, I'm one of the easier people to please.  I tend not to be picky and rather acknowledge the situation for what it is.  You offer me food, I'll eat it.  You need help, I'll help.  Unfortunately, while I think this aspect of my personality is amiable and has allowed me to sustain many friends and gain many others along the way, it has also hurt me at times.  I think, more often than I'd like to admit, I get too complacent.  For the most part, I'm totally with just going with the flow.  At the end of the day, I'd rather enjoy myself and my company rather than worry about the ultimately trivial details.  However, this complacency can be dangerous.  I've found myself put into situations that I really didn't want to be in or that weren't the most  providential because of my complacency.  Basically, I tend to open myself up to getting used at times.  While I like my ability to go with the flow, I also understand that sometimes I need to take a more aggressive stance or even definitive stance.  I can't constantly put myself in precarious situations just to appease.  YOU CAN'T APPEASE EVERYONE! 

Problematically, I can tend to say yes before really thinking about the situation because I so desperately want to make others happy. Again, I don't think it's a necessarily bad trait, but it's something that can really put me in a pinch at times.  I recently agreed to doing a task for someone at a lower cost when I may have to put off a better opportunity because of this task.  I'm sorry for the vague description, but for certain reasons that had to be vague.  Anyways, I basically now realize I've agreed to allow myself to be used.  It's frustrating.  This situation is a situation that makes me realize I need to find more balance. I should have thought about myself more before blindly agreeing.  

You may be questioning how me becoming more selfish makes for a more fulfilling world for others.  Fair.  I'd counter it by saying that I'm not really sure my heart is totally in this task now.  I'm worried I may not give my best effort because of the precarious situation I've been place in.  I now I'm a hard worker and will not let myself slack off, but I could potentially be hurting this vendor even though I've agreed to help.  If I would held a better state of mind from the get go, they wouldn't be set with certain expectations.  It probably would have been more beneficial to everyone involved.

We all have ideas, notions, opinions, etc.  I'm always baffled as how to we know who is more correct.  We think we know the answers, but do we really?  This questioning has lead me to search for this balance because I think within each opinion lies bits of truth.  Together, we may just find the answer.  It goes back to a button my high school used to give out: God doesn't make junk.

I tend to feel that if we could find common grounds or be more accepting, things would be better. It'd be swell if we could search for and work for such a stance.  The thing about stereotyping is it's cheap, but can serve some purpose.  For instance, many times you hate people from your rival school simply because they are from your rival school.  While a person can very well exemplify traits of the negative aspects of said school, that person is similarly an individual who carries distinctive traits.  As a left-handed person, I'm supposed to be more right brain oriented and thus creative.  While I posses the ability to write (I think), I cannot draw to save my life and many times I feel like I operated on a more analytic sense, which is a left-brain thing to do.  Etc. Etc. Etc.  There are two sides to a coin for a reason and the odds of the coin landed on one side is fifty percent for a reason.  No one side, usually, is in nature better than the other.

It's great that someone can talk to others with ease, but without an ability to listen you're talking alone.  It's great to be a good listener, but without a voice you remain stuck and faceless.  It's a difficult search to find empathy and ability to adjust and adapt. Ultimately, though, I think it's worth it.  We can't carry such heavy extremes around and expect auspicious results.  That's also something I've learned lately.  I can carry the same expectations of everyone I encounter.  I should carry expectations, yes, but I need to also be adaptable.  I need to find that middle ground; otherwise I get crushed.  Certain people are who they are and you need to accept that.  Doing so makes your time with them that much more enjoyable.  For instance, I have some friends who simple don't go out and who aren't active with the social life.  It was frustrating, but understanding and accepting that that is their personality has allowed me to not get so flustered and enjoy what makes our friendship enjoyable.

This post may have gone mercurially everywhere.  I apologize that this has been more of a regurgitation of many thoughts in a sporadic order rather than a nicely laid out series out logic.  I think, or hope, though that this thought makes sense.  I can be a nice driver who lets people get over into the next lane every time or I can be a jerk who gets mad at others for cutting me off/I could cut everyone off, but both scenarios are dangerous.  It's about situational adaptation and perception, I think.  I'm may be a fool, but I really tend to hold on to hope we can make tomorrow better today.  I think a great place to start is working towards figuring out how to find balance.   

The Conspicuous Void: An Issue We Face When Making a Change

I've spent quite some time thinking about and writing about ways to improve my, your, or our life.  A few posts back, I wrote about taking an active approach to improving your life and followed that up by suggesting a few strategies to successful take those steps.

The other day, I was browsing YouTube and came across a channel I've watched a few times before.  Basically, it's this former body builder giving advice about various issues.  He ranges from body building tips to health tips to life tips and everything in between.  I really like his raw honesty--it's refreshing.  A video came up in the suggested videos section of YouTube and after watching it, I was inspired for this post.  I had already been thinking about this topic, but the video gave me the extra push I needed.

To give you a reference point, the guy's video was his response to a question from one of his subscribers.  The question was basically laid out as this: "I really want to be successful and am inspired by how you've found success, but I've been addicted to video games for ten years and it's destroying my life.  What do I do?"

Being addicted to video games so weird and juvenile, but it's a real issue for some people.  People have strange addictions and this addiction is no different from the next in the sense that it is controlling/ruining a life.  In short, the YouTuber said the best way to make a drastic life change is by either having a big goal or having tragedy strike.  Basically, he was saying you need something dramatic to happen if you want to break the chain because things like addictions aren't easily defeated.  He made a good point when he said having a big, ambitious goal can be good but the danger in lies with the fact that it is something you're running towards and not from.  If you see the end, you aren't always going to have the motivation to get there quicker because you know/presume you will get there.  Conversely, if you have something chasing you/biting you in the ass, you're going to start running.

He admitted the advice was extreme, but he suggested that the guy take his video game consoles and smash them.  Then, he said to suggested the guy get in his car and drive away.  He wanted him to doing something extreme so he could have a moment where he realized, "Crap, I really need to figure something out."  While it's a little extreme, it makes sense.

Maybe not everyone has an addiction, or at least an extreme addiction, but we all have our weaknesses.  Problematically, these weaknesses can really have an adverse affect on our lives.  Sometimes, we decide we want to make a change for the better.  For instance, if you spend way too much time on Facebook, you may decide that you're only going to check it twice a day for ten minutes instead of spending hours on social media.  Or, you could decide you're going to cut down on TV time or stop eating fast food.  There are limitless examples of things people could decide to stop doing.  Making this decision is great and ambitious.  Cutting down or stopping certain poisons in your life could really improve things.  Note: I don't think activities like playing video games, checking Facebook, eating fast food, etc are innately bad.  When they start taking over your life, it's a problem.  Moderation people.

The Real Issue

At this point, you may be wondering where I'm going with this, and I don't blame you.  So, I'll cut to the chase.  While it's auspicious to make decisions like the examples above, or to want to stop your addiction to video games like the subscriber, it isn't easy task.  No shit Sherlock. You can do it, surely, but what makes it really difficult is people don't always take into account the void.  That's the real kicker.  If someone is used to playing video games two hours a day, for instance, and they decide to only play for say thirty minutes they are left with an extra hour and a half.  I think the really struggle comes in figuring out how to fill that hour and a half.  You can say you'll use it to be more productive, but unless you have an idea in place you run the risk of not having anything to do, which could lead to boredom, which could lead to relapse.

I'll use myself as an example. There have been many times this summer when I've decided that I'm not going to go on social media and I'm going to avoid video games in order to be productive.  Then, the time comes and while I want to be productive, I'm unsure of what "being productive" means.  I didn't label it correctly.  Sure, I've spent the time job searching, but one can only do that for so long without going insane.  Then I could blog, but that only takes a bit of time.  So, at times I'm left pondering what I'm doing with my life.  It's a real struggle.  Then what happens? Facebook, Twitter, ESPN, etc.

Sometimes, you do need something dramatic to really kick your butt in to gear. Some people just won't find the motivation otherwise.  I think, though, many of us have to drive to make that positive change, but we just need a better strategy to do it.  There are many options out there, we just have to have the courage to pick one and go for it.  It's great to want to make a change, but usually a change involves going from one thing to another.  If you merely quit one thing, a conspicuous void will haunt you.  Think about it.  You're so used to doing one thing; it's nearly impossible to quit cold turkey without replacing it.  I think again it comes to mettle and moxie.  I really like that phrase because I think it fits with so many aspects of life--the ability to go for something while being able to adapt and cope.  Sometimes, you just need to make a leap.

Conclusion

When you decide that an aspect of your life is being detrimental to the overall productivity and happiness of your life, the gain of time is really providential.  It can be a burden, yes, but you're making a conscious decision to improve so why not take it a step further.  You've given yourself the opportunity to keep your house clean, learn how to cook, join a new club, learn a new trade, live a happier life.  We just have to find a way to figure out what we really want.  Some people know off the bat--they've been putting a dream or necessity off for too long and can fill that void.  Others need motivation.  Others need to dig deep and weigh the pros and cons with lists.  Everyone has there unique quirks that make them special.  I don't know what the answer is to finding the fill for the void; I just think we need to be more conscious of the precarious nature of that void.

I believe you and I can cut out or cut down some negative aspects of our lives.  We just might need to rethink about our approach and take it on with a greater force.  Life is too short and too precious to waste.  Don't you want to live the best life you can? Don't you want to find fulfillment and happiness?  I know I do; that's why I'm constantly trying to figure out ways to reach that goal.  Hopefully, together, we can reach that goal.

I Forgot My Inhaler: Seeking a Solution to the Difficulty of Meeting New People

Well, I had planned to write about one topic, but then having a conversation last night seemingly forced my hand to switch last minute.  Don't worry, the original topic may make an appearance as soon as tomorrow. We shall see; if not, next week for certain.

This post if focused towards my fellow recent college graduates, but I think it can serve definite relevance to a multitude of individuals.  The more I think about it, the more I think we all could use this reminder to some extent.

A couple of posts ago, I talked about the difficulty of transitions in terms of friendships.  I wrote about how peculiar and difficult starting over constantly can be.  Now that college has passed, while many people have solid friendships fortified after four years together in the close and comfortable confines of college, many people aren't in the same boat.  Furthermore, many recent grads have either moved back home, moved to a new place, or had several close friends move away.  On top of that, I have found many people, myself included, wanting to maybe expand their friend circles.  Personally, I think this problem can arise for various people.  For instance, a family who moves to a new town, someone older who doesn't have friends or has lost friends, even people in college, high school, etc.  Heck, grandparents (who I doubt read this blog) get lonely too.  So, therein lies the question: How do you make new friends outside of an overtly convenient setting?

Well, well, well...

As with most things, I don't think there exists an easy answer to this question, and yet I think the solution may possibly be easier than we think. Before I get into the solution, or possible solution, I want to discuss why this problem exists in the first place.  While it's difficult to start over throughout our period of growing up in terms of friends, we take advantage the convenience of school.  Going to school makes it SO easy to make friends.  Okay, yes, it isn't always super easy.  At various stages of life you're going to have to deal with the popular kids, the cliques, the bullies.  While I understand those are really struggles and issues, I'm not sure they are as extreme or frequent as movies portray or the news relays.  I could be wrong, though.  I'm sorry if that was the case.  Anyways, back to the point.  When you are surrounded by a ton of people for numerous hours a day every day or in college where you not only have class with people but you also live with those people, you are bound to find and form friendships.  You don't feel much pressure, necessarily, because you have so many people to pick from and can choose the friends you want.  It's not like you have to make the best first impression because you'll surely get ten thousand (hyperbole) more chances.  In terms of pressurized situations, making friends in school, college especially, doesn't score high.

It's weird, I feel like we are almost spoiled and equally hurt in this sense.  While some people are naturally outgoing and make friends, regardless of the situation, with ease, others of us haven't learned or been trained to so naturally meet new people.  Now that we are graduated, it's difficult to think of situations that are easily facilitate friendships.  You don't have that class or club or event to just make new friends.  And even if there is an event, the likelihood of you ever seeing that person again is slimmer by the minute.

So, basically, it seems really difficult to meet new people.  Beside the convenience, I know a lot of people my age especially (possible other ages as well) think it is weird and creepy to go up to random people and start a conversation.  It doesn't seem to be quite socially acceptable.  With that comes a certain embarrassment, a certain nervousness.  What do I say? What if they don't like me? I shouldn't do it. Ugh, they're leaving.

On top of that, we similarly have the problem of meeting people we'd like to date.  I think even more pressure and anxiety exists within that realm.  Yes, we're all (mostly) legal to go to bars.  But do you really want to meet you significant other there?  I mean, it could definitely work out, but from what I've gathered and seen, not a whole lot of successful, fruitful relationships come from bar hookups.  Note: I think some people may argue that's not necessarily the case as it worked for some in college.  I'd argue college bar hookups aren't necessarily the same.  When you meet someone, generally, at the bar in college, they are also a student so while inebriation facilitates the relationship, the educational and goal oriented aspect of the individual drives it forward.  You also have the wonderful world of online dating, which is a whole different and interesting animal.

Deep down, I bet you could find someone at any age struggling with this problem.  Heck, I know I have already, or at least thought about it obviously.  So what's the solution?

A couple quick hit ideas

I think what we need to realize, first and foremost, is that just because we've matriculated into adulthood doesn't mean we have to stop living life.  Au contrarie.  Many opportunities for use exist outside of college to meet new people, it just takes a bit more effort.

First, the working world.  While there probably won't be an influx of college grads walking around your new place of employment, there are sure to be some.  Also, there should be some individuals somewhat around your age there, they may just be a couple years older, which is okay!  Think about it as a school type situation and build a friendship.  You can do it!

Maybe you want to leave work at work and not integrate workmates into your social circle.  Fine.  I think the other oft forgotten but obvious way to meet new people is by doing something you enjoy.  Say what? By that, I mean join something.  If you like yoga, take yoga classes.  If you enjoy soccer, join a soccer league.  If reading books if for you, join a book club.  It's not as easy as going to the club fair within the first couple weeks of school starting, but such clubs and organizations exist.  You could even volunteer at various places.  It's really a win-win situation.  For one, you are doing something you enjoy, which gets you doing something besides working.  Secondly, you get to meet people who already share a commonality with you.  Isn't that what helps form friendships? Commonalities?  I think so.  Google is a magical and mystical place that can find you where such things exist in close proximity to your place of residency.  You can do it! The best part of it all? If it doesn't work out, you don't have to go back! Just take a chance.

So, I think those are two very viable paths you could take to meeting new people, but I don't think you or I or we are limited to just those two, bars, online, etc.

My theory

I think ultimately meeting new people requires three words.  I actually told a different friend this phrase the other day and it stems from when I was younger and my brother used to give me advice.  The three words? Mettle and moxie.  What alliteration, right?!

At the end of the day, I think it comes down to our ability to throw ourselves out there and move on.  Courage and ability to handle adversity.  My brother would often tell me, especially when talking about

meeting potential relationship interests, "Go for it, if it fails what do you lose?".  What a great insight.

Think about it.  We get so worried and so caught up in what to say or failing or being creepy when it comes to meeting new people, especially when it comes to people living in our building, people at stores, strangers at events, someone walking down the street, etc.  I empathize with the averse and apprehensive feelings.  I've felt and feel the same way.  But seriously, what do we have to lose?  The person was not in your life to begin with, right? You're interested in meeting him or her.  If you try talking and it doesn't work they are not in your life.  So, what you're saying is he or she isn't in my life and may ultimately not be in my life? Exactly!  It's like you're betting on a 50/50 jackpot and you got the ticket for free.  You're taking a risk or a gamble, but you can only gain.  Oh no, you made a fool of yourself and got rejected in the supermarket.  You can never go to that super market again..oh wait!  If the person is going to degrade you for opening conversation, were they worth it in the first place?  Think of the potential, this person could be your friend, he or she could be a lover, he or she could be a total jerk.  Right now he or she isn't anything.  So, if he or she doesn't turn out to be anything..bing, bang, boom..NOTHING HAPPENS! How great is that?!

Gambling with relatively nothing to lose.

You've made friends before; you've met new people before.  Do you know what that means? You're likable, you can talk to people, etc.  What should you talk about? Well, you could pick a topic relevant to your location since you're both in the same place.  Or, you could simple say hey, I just thought you seemed interesting.

I think a great example of enacting this mettle and moxie is this YouTube channel called Simple Pickups.  While at first glance, you might say that this channel is misogynistic because it makes girls simple objects as these guys try to get there number.  I think to extent, that's probably true.  However, they've gone on record as saying they don't usually call the girls or take advantage of their numbers.  Instead, they're just trying to show people you can meet people even by being random.  They don't always succeed, but to my point and theirs it takes mettle and moxie.  They don't let one rejection get them down because that rejection was from someone who is and was nonexistent in their lives. The act of talking to people, they show, is pretty innocuous.  They do a bunch of ridiculous things and yet are still able to get girls' numbers.  I'm not suggesting you be over-sexual or overtly ridiculous, but I'm just saying you can talk to strangers. It's okay.

I sometimes think we make life out to be more difficult than it actually is.  This problem seems to be a excellent example.  We sometimes take our pride too seriously and rejection too harshly.  I'd hope by now we could realize that many of the most successful people throughout history failed and were rejected numerous times before succeeded.  It happens.  So, my friends, whether you are just graduated from college, have been out of college for twenty plus years, never went to college, or are just someone looking to meet new people, I believe in you; I believe in us.  We can, by just going for it, meet new people.  Hopefully, I've laid out some ideas that you could use to improve your situation.  Is it an easy solution? I think it depends on the individual.  But I do think a solution exists and you should never simply throw in the towel.  Fight on.