Saying Goodbye: Thinking about the Vicious Cycle of Friendship

This weekend, specifically Saturday, I will be going to Indiana to help send off a friend as he sets off for his next adventure in California.  It's going to be an enjoyable time because we always have an enjoyable time when together, but boy it's going to be tough to say goodbye.  Since meeting our freshman year of college, we've accrued countless memories.  I'm now going to briefly review some memories, but it's all leading to a thought so bear with me.

I'm going to be saying goodbye to the guy who would randomly sing and dance with me at will.  Heck, him and I even entertained our friends during senior week by dancing non-stop while they sat for a break.  The best part: without practicing we somehow generally manage to get in-synch at some point.  On top of that, we broke into a sterling rendition of "Blue Moon" for a couple of hall mates as they walked down the hall one day.  Not rehearsed, but perfected.

I'm going to be saying goodbye to the guy I would spend my afternoons with freshman year playing Wii sports or Call of Duty.  Boy, those were some intense battles golfing.

I'm going to be saying goodbye to the guy that I would go to the cafeteria and eat until we could eat no more.  We just didn't care.  One time, we went to see just how much we could eat and piled plate upon plate.  Other times, we'd sit in the cafeteria and enjoy intellectually driven debates and conversations.  It's always been about respect.

I'm going to be saying goodbye to the guy I played basketball, ultimate frisbee, and various intramural sports with throughout college.  His competitive nature and drive to be the man would often drive me crazy but at the same time our games would mesh so well.

I'm going to be saying goodbye to the guy I'd sit up late with and just talk about nothing and everything all at once.  We would talk about our presents, pasts, futures, worries, thoughts, frustrations, and everything in between. We just understand and respect each other, for the most part. One time, we stayed up while trying to figure out what drives my sleeping problems.  (We're also both insomniacs).

I'm going to be saying goodbye to the guy who is my beer pong partner.  We would often take turns carrying the team. Teamwork, baby.

I'm going to be saying goodbye to the guy who shares my passion for music.  While our musical tastes at times don't align, we could always rally around the classics and oldies.

I'm going to be saying goodbye to the guy who has genuinely become one of my closest friends (which is ironic because I've always made fun of him for his use of "one of my best friends).

I could go on, but you get the point. Well, maybe you don't.  Yes, I'm kind of having a moment of shit my friend is leaving, but it's more than that.  Some of you may be thinking if you're that close you'll stay friends.  You know what? I absolute will try my best and hope that is the case.  However, experience tells me otherwise.  Hopefully, at this stage in our lives, where we are a little older and (a little) more mature, things will be different.  Let me explain.

Cycle of Life

Thinking about his impending departure made me recollect the various friends I've had over my life.  It seems like with each new stage we are forced to start over again. Sometimes by choice; other times not by choice.

For instance, I remember having great friends during pre-school.  I distinctly remember going to their birthday parties and worrying frantically when one broke his collarbone during recess.  Once kindergarten hit (we went to different kindergartens), I never saw them again.

Throughout elementary school, I had a ton of friends--a few closer than others.  I considered some of these people my best friends and thought about our futures together.  When high school hit, I seemingly lost those friendships that I thought would thrive.

In high school, I again started over.  Yes, going to a new school obviously didn't help but it still was a new stage in my life.  A chance to start over whether I wanted to or not.  I met many people in high school and again made some close friends. Then came college.  While I still keep in contact with some friends, it just isn't the same.  I don't talk to them like I did, and I don't see them like I did.  Yes, I still maintain friendships and I know others do as well, but I think you'd agree that it just isn't the same.  My best friends from high school? Yeah, they don't even talk to me anymore (not sure why).

It even happened in sports.  Like when I played travel soccer for years, many times year round.  I made some friends there and thought it meant sometime, but everything fizzled after I left the team.

Now we have college.  Once again, I started over and met a new batch of friends.  I've had some really tremendous experiences with them and hope to continue the friendships. Life isn't that simple though.  Still unsure of where I'll be next month let alone next year, I can't guarantee the same friendship will be there.  Sure, texting and Facebook make things easier to stay in touch, but if you aren't in close proximity to where you can really see people often, friendships fade.  You're still friends, but those people are out making new experiences with a new group of people.

I think it's another interesting aspect of life.  You are constantly given the opportunity to reinvent yourself or learn from your mistakes.  I will note that I don't really think a person ever necessarily changes.  I think someone's core is always intact, but certain aspects can alter.  If we didn't learn and adapt, we would never survive.  So maybe learning from past mistakes in friendships will help these new ones or future new ones thrive.  At the end of the day, all you can do is try.

I could see some of you saying at this point, Robert, maybe you just didn't try hard enough to maintain your lost friendships. You know what? You're probably right.  I'm sure there was more I could have done, but it is a two-way street.  You can only live in the for so long though.  Past memories are great but new memories keep the fire of friendship burning.

The way life works is really bemusing at times.  To think about how you can experience so much and lose it all in the blink of an eye.  Obviously, it's a cycle of learning experiences, I think at least.  What I'm trying to relay is that I'm tired of this cycle.  I get its inevitability, but I'm getting tired of starting over.  I'm not against making new friends; there are too many interesting people out there to shut the door on new friendships.  What I'm merely saying is I don't want to lose my current friends.  I just can't help but wonder if it's inevitable.  Not just this friend, but the others too.  Currently, I'm still in Cincinnati and can see friends who reside here, but I wonder what will happen if I move back home.  Will things change? Probably.  You'll always have the past and I know I'll always be able to see this friend or other friends and have a good time.  It'll just become so temporary, which is a scary thought.

I'm not sure what the solution to this problem is or even if one exists.  My best guess is to try harder.  If you want something or want to sustain something, you have to work for it.  Life doesn't just decide to take it easy on us (usually).  For as long as it takes to build friendships, they can fade much more easily.  It's kind of like trust in that sense.

To clarify, many people will maintain long friendships.  Proximity (as I've said) is a huge factor though.  I think it's slightly more difficult now than it was for past generations because we go all over for schooling while typically (at least from what I can tell) many people used to go to school in the same area, which allowed them to continue friendships more easily.  So, it can be done and will be done.  There just seems to be a high frequency of unsuccessfulness.

I know life will go on.  I know this sometimes vicious cycle will continue.  I just sometimes wish it was easier to stop it.  It's not though, and that's what makes life so interesting.  You must stay on your toes at all times.  You must enjoy every minute, every second because you just don't know how long the times will last.  I'm happy to say I've really tried to soak up the good times and will keep them in my memory if nothing else.

So, Brian, I guess this post is my pre-goodbye to you.  I'm going to miss you my friend.  I know you're about to do great things because you're competitive nature won't let you do any less.  Just make sure to keep your head up, sing often, smile infectiously, stop shooting so many threes, and never stop randomly dancing (remember, it increases happiness!).  I look forward to the challenge of continuing our friendship, and while I know you'll get new friends and have new adventures, I look forward to future adventures when life allows our paths to cross again.

All the best,
Robert L. Lisiecki

Supplementing Activity: Achieving Success with Your Active Role

Since I missed posting a new entry last week, I thought I would give you an additional post this week (don't you feel special).  Plus, this notion will play a somewhat supplementary role for this week's previous post.  Quick recap: I wrote earlier this week about taking an active approach to life.  More specifically I preached (although I don't intend to necessarily sound preach but instead ponderous) about taking action to get what you want or improve your life instead of passively hoping luck falls your way.  I think it's important to stress that just because you actively attempt to change your life for the better doesn't mean you necessarily will. We all have our limitations so even if we work hard failure can creep in; however, I'd surmise you stand a much better chance of improvement by working at it rather than presuming impending failure.

I'd like to discuss ways to improve the chances of success when taking such an active approach because I think how you do something is just as important as what you do.  I've spoken with my family about the strategies this past week and they are something that have been on my mind a lot recently.  I think what's most interesting is how many times we know and understand information, various strategies, "truths," etc but we don't implement them.  Personally, conceptualizing is such an easy task but turning the concept into action is much more difficult than it seems.  Sometimes you just that external push to get you going.

I sometimes think this blog serves a dual purpose.  Let's be serious, it does serve as a dual purpose.  Not only do I get to write about interesting topics, but I also have space to almost regurgitate the millions of thoughts constantly fluttering through my mind.  Now, back to the task at hand.

Micromanaging

I often talk about the bigger picture. I will reference looking at the bigger picture; thinking about the bigger picture; considering the bigger picture; etc.  At times, taking this mindset is vital for ultimate fruition.  For instance, taking a minuscule, trivial spat and looking at the bigger picture of the relationship before blowing it way out of proportion is necessary.  On the other hand, for today, when looking to do something productive or make a really good change we need to look at the puzzle pieces before we can finish the puzzle.  I don't really recall hearing micro and macro used often other than in economics, but I think they are necessary words to consider here.  We need to learn how to micromanage tasks.

To clarify, by micromanage I mean break down into more plausible steps.  It's necessary for me to define that before I get too deep because you could be carrying a different notion, which would make the rest of this thought process bemusing.

So, what do I mean? I think one of the biggest obstacles to making a positive change or taking an active role is that we make it out to be a big obstacle.  Instead of seeing something as a series of manageable events we sometimes consolidate the whole notion together, which makes it appear inevitably bound to fail.  But we must learn to break it down.

As you know from a few posts ago, my cousin recently got married (WOO!).  The wedding is still fresh on my mind so I would again like to use her as an example.  Normally wedding planning is a big deal.  As in, people freak out because there is so much to do! (Note: I'm not sitting here trying to discredit the stress wedding planning brings).  Here's the deal, though. Generally speaking, the future bride and groom have a year plus between engagement and saying I do.  Many people will look at that and think about all of the tasks they need to accomplish in such a short period of time and it becomes overwhelming and drains the underlying happiness and excitement it should bring. I know this example is weird, and possibly precarious, but it works for my point because...

While I can't speak for her, it appears my cousin really micromanaged her wedding.  That is, she broke it down into bits and pieces that were much more easily manageable.  She got things done and planned as they needed to, figuring out important things first and letting the rest follow.  I really never saw my cousin overly stressed about the wedding because she managed it so well.  In fact, she was nearly done with preparations almost a year before she tied the knot.  Her and her now husband took control of the matter and didn't let it control them.  They broke down the behemoth of planning in to manageable minions of tasks. By doing so, they didn't necessarily overwhelm themselves and the process became much more efficient..

Another example, and maybe more easy to relate with, would be learning an instrument; say the guitar, for instance.  You aren't going to simply pick up a guitar and learn it in the same day.  If you're some prodigy, you win, but for us simpletons it doesn't work like that.  If you except it to be that easy you have another thing coming.  Instead, we need to learn to break it down into goals.  As in, today I'm going to learn how to tune it properly. Or, today I'm going to learn how to hold it or strum it properly. Then learn to play a key, then a chord, then a song, etc.  Breaking it down in the manner does two things.  First, it makes the task much more manageable to where you are gaining levels instead of trying to conquer the entirety of the situation.  Secondly, it gives you a sense of accomplishment and keeps you motivated as you go along.

The same could be said with organizing a room.  Can you do it all in a day? Most definitely,  However, thinking that you have to do it in one sitting could cause you to prolong the task or not do it efficiently.  You may just move the disorganization to another room or do it inefficiently.  Instead, I posit it'd be much easier and more efficient if you broke it down into something along the lines of, "Okay, I'm going to solely focus on this area."  You might not get it done at one time but it suddenly becomes more manageable.  If you break it down you will see the improvement in front of your eyes and your success rate will succeed.  This point brings me to something that is absolutely, undeniably crucial.

Consistency

Micromanaging, I think, helps makes tasks easier in the long run, but consistency is key for ultimate success. These two things coupled together make a powerful team.  If something is broken down into more manageable portions, you are more likely to keep doing it.  How do students do well in school? They study often. How do athletes (naturally) stay at the top of their game? They train and practice.  How do chefs become five star restaurant head chefs? They cook often.  People don't improve overnight.  Your life isn't (minus the obvious exceptions) likely to change overnight.  Things happen and people change because of consistency.  You have to have the moxie to keep at it.

I'd like to share a story I heard from a YouTube video (I've already told my family this a few times, I know).  This guy's wife went to a fitness class and saw a man there who was in the 300-350 lb range.  She said he could barely walk, was breathing heavily, and didn't look like he'd make it.  After one class, she thought about getting him kicked out because she worried his health would be a liability for the class.  The next day, she saw him again, struggling to keep up, swaying back and forth.  The woman (the storyteller's wife) ended up not going back to the class for another year (he never explained why).  When she went a year later, she noticed the heavy man was no longer in the class.  It took her until the end of the class, but she eventually noticed that the once 300-350 lb man was suddenly well over 100 lbs lighter.  He was transformed so much that he was one of the top performers in the class and nearly unrecognizable to the woman.  The key? Consistency.  Every day at 6 p.m. the man would go to the class.  He didn't make excuses, he didn't give up.  Eventually results happened thanks to his mettle and consistency.  That's so awesome to think about!

If you make something too grandiose, it's really hard to stay consistent.  This guy didn't all of the sudden become a workout warrior.  Instead, he found a class, one class!, and stuck with it.  If you want to make a change, you have to stick with it. Period.  I just think breaking it down and making it manageable makes it easier to keep the consistency.

We can gain a skill, we can learn something new, we can change your life.  We just have to be persistent.

Bonus fun

Nerd alert: I've recently been reading some exerts from a book titled, A User's Guide to the Brain. It's really quite interesting, and I can't help but think one tidbit of information from it is really relevant to this post.  The brain is a very malleable entity; meaning it has the ability to change and grow.  We have the ability to develop new neural connections, which allows us to form new memories, skills, etc.  Interestingly, though, we sometimes don't give the brain a chance to truly fortify these new connections.  According to the book, which is written by a neurologist, if you spend an amount of time learning a task, you need to allow your brain time to cement what you learned.  If you go on to something that's equally mentally strenuous or stimulating, you run the risk of not properly immersing what you learned into long term memory. For instance, I believe he used an example of trying to learn a sport like soccer then going right from that to trying to learn lyrics to a new song.  The movements soccer requires won't become as natural if have conflicting interests within your brain as opposed to allowing it to really soak in the information. Point at hand: Don't overdo it.

That seems to back up the notion that we need to break things down.  For one, it saves us time.  For two, it seems to be more efficient.  And finally, it affords us a better opportunity to retain and succeed.

Conclusion

Yes, certain things can be done right away and all at once, but those aren't the things I'm talking about.  It might be hard to conceptualize breaking things down because you think you can do more but think about it this way.

If you spend twenty minutes daily (yes, everyday) learning the guitar, you have a couple things going for you.

• Twenty minutes is manageable and doesn't take out a large portion of your day.
• You consistently work with the guitar, which allows you to develop a comfortability with it.
• While it will take time, you will be taking things in stride and allowing yourself to retain what you've learned.
• You will gradually see results. Tangible results.

You could spend more time or less, but the key is finding something that will prevent you from the dreaded excuse or procrastination.  It just makes sense to me that these items allow people to really take an effective active role in finding improvement.

Could I be wrong? Of course.  I think it's worth a shot though to find the working formula and be an active player rather than sit on the sidelines as others pass by...

Activia: Conquering Entitlement and Improving Your Life

Do you ever think about how entitled we can be some times?  Like, to almost an appalling degree. We can become pretty egregious with our incessant belief that things are owed to us. As in, we should be afforded all of our wishes rather than earn them. It's human nature, I suppose.

On that note, I'd like to discuss something that I believe is probably overt but may often fail to recognize.  It is always nice to be reminded of certain things every once in a while.  I mean, the brain carries so much information its bound to store some away in the deep corners, which can leave us in the dark.

Importantly, I want to talk about being active in your life rather than taking a passive approach.  "But Robert, not everyone has that type of personality!" Yes, I know, not everyone likes to take the active role. Some people are totally fine riding in the passenger seat.  Some people are just more naturally vocal and evocative while others prefer relative anonymity.  I've seen and I know plenty of people who fall within the spectrum.   I'm not talking necessarily about personality types, though.  This post is intended for everyone--myself included.

I'd venture to guess that at least once you've heard someone described as a "go-getter."  Honestly, I think my people could use an injection of such an attitude.  Many times, we want things but don't want to work for things.  This notion brings back the sense of entitlement we exhibit. Let's face it, having things fall into your lap is much easier and less strenuous than working towards something.  Some people are lucky and afforded a position in life where things fall into place.  Some people are born into a wealth of resources and have their lives mapped out for them.  Luck strikes; however, luck strikes (more often) the prepared.

Allow me to throw out a trite example to help paint the big picture: Steve Jobs.  Steve Jobs had a vision for his life; he had a vision for where he wanted his life to go as well as where he didn't want his life to go.  Not only did he have a vision, but he took an active approach to fulfilling that vision.  He didn't wait for the opportunity to arise, he grabbed the opportunity by the balls and said, "You're mine."  He helped create Apple, the wildly successful company that has turned customers into cult members.  What's particularly interesting about Jobs is his journey.  Fun fact: At one point in his career, Jobs was actually fired from Apple. That's right, the founder of the company was not seen as "fit" for the vision of board members.  Instead of sulking, what did Jobs do? Oh, nothing too huge, he just helped establish Pixar.  Yes Pixar, one of the best known CGI animator and Motion Picture studios.  No. Big. Deal. Oh wait, very big deal.  Again, life threw him for a loop but he took an active approach.  Eventually, Apple realized their mistakes and took Jobs back, which lead to their current monumental success.

People are blessed with a variety of personality traits.  While we may share some traits, we differ from each other person in some way, shape, or form.  While you may not be a vocal person, I believe you (everyone) should be an active person.  Life isn't going to miraculously hand you its riches. Okay, it may, but even lottery winners have to buy tickets.  We need to step aside from the entitlement and step towards this active approach.

If you want to better your health, make lifestyle changes, eat better, exercise more.  If you want to learn a new language, take classes, get materials, etc.  If you want to change your career, find the best way to do so. Granted, you will fail, you won't always get the results you hoped for, and sometimes it will be tough to stay motivated; however, you stand a much better chance at attaining your goals by working for them rather than waiting.

The key is to DO. Consistently make the conscientious choice that "this is my life and I will determine the path it takes."  Stop waiting.  The problem is we too often want to wait until tomorrow.  Unfortunately, TOMORROW NEVER COMES. Tomorrow is always the next day, if you think about it.  It reminds me of an anonymous quote that I can never seem to get out of my head: "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."  Tomorrow is a fickle domino waiting to tumble into a time vacuum that becomes a month, a year, a decade, etc. What we have is today. Here and now.

Honestly, knowing that you take the reigns of your is just so fulfilling too.  Let me give you a quick, silly example.  The other day, I was thinking about how frustrating it was that I keep losing my workouts.  So, I decided to gather all of the pieces of papers with workouts I've accrued and kept and entered them into a spreadsheet. I now have the peace of mind that I won't lose them.  It's trivial in the grand scheme of things but I took the active approach to preserve something important to me. Deep breath now.

I get it; we all need down time and time to take a blase approach with life.  It's just that life is so precious and volatile, it is hard to determine the extent in which we will have it.  Don't you want to make it the best life possible? Don't you want to make the best you possible?  Life's hourglass is slowly filling with sand, it isn't waiting for you. Why should you wait for it?  Maybe you're happy with where you stand and where you're at. If so, congratulations.  I'm just saying, don't sit here and complain that something is owed to you.  Life owes you nothing.  Instead, it's time we grab what we want.  I know I need to remind myself that sometimes because I often get caught in the current of complacency.  I want more out of my life and know I need to get it myself.  People can't hold your hand forever.  It's time we actively pursue our dreams and desires.  Look at the people who have.  Many successful individuals got to their enviable positions through hard work, consistency, and dedication.  They played active roles in their lives.  Yes, some people were given fortuitous or providential hands upon birth, but at the end of the day it's what you do with your hand that determines your ultimate outcome.

I believe you have the power to positively change your life.  It's time you start believe too.  Your better tomorrow starts today.

The Ballad of Love and Hate: Questions about Marriage

One topic that has always and will always fascinate me is love.  What a powerful and interesting word.  Undoubtedly, I think I'll tackle it from various angles while this blog continues to exist.  I just think it's too big and powerful to condense into one viewpoint.  On tangent with the topic of love is marriage.  As they say, first comes love, then comes marriage...

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As an insomniac and somewhat introvert, I am constantly thinking.  The concept of marriage is one topic that continuously arises in my thoughts.  A while back, one of my Facebook friends posted a series of questions regarding marriage.  One question asked: "Someone told me to get married young to get the first one out of the way. Thoughts?"

Initial response: What a cynical view of the world.  Can you blame him though?  I mean divorce rates are through the roof.  Plus, marriage is such a long term commitment. Do we even believe in it anymore?

In a little over a week, I will be home celebrating the long term commitment of my cousin and her fiance.  I think their impending marriage will help me delve into the concept of marriage.

Where to start? Where to start?

I think one of the greatest, most interesting, and simultaneously worst aspects of life is how inconsistent it is.  Something that works for one person doesn't necessarily work out for another person.  It really keeps you on your toes because you honestly never truly know the outcome until it happens.  Thus, like most topics, marriage is such a tricky concept to pigeonhole.  Parameters can't precisely be set because I just don't think it works that easily.  I will say, though, certain things should be considered when taking that step.

I'd like to start with that thought-sparking question and kind of work my way around from there.  Wanting to get married early to get the first one out of the way is such a defeatist attitude.  Again, I get the opinion because of divorce rates, but I just think it's a terrible approach.  Initially, I think it's difficult for many people because our parents and grandparents historically were married at early ages.  So, people my age often freak out that they aren't married or on the verge of marriage yet (like my brother at times).  So, there's some initial pressure.  Couple that with divorce rates and of course you want to "get it out of the way."  That statement, though, insinuates a key point: the second marriage will be better, presumably.  Why is that?

Fun fact of the day: psychologically speaking (in a scientific sense) our brains aren't fully developed until the age of 25.  Think about that: you  are still mentally growing and maturing until that age.  You don't "peak" until then. You are still changing.  I think this fact definitely plays a role in the argument from divorcees that "my partner changed."  Chemically speaking, if you marry someone at a young age, they could certainly change.  So, that's one problem.

A couple other factors also play a role in the impending failure of early marriages--this brain development factor could play a sub-role within these factors.  For one, more people are going to college these days and trying to make something out of their lives.  The amount of college students has drastically increased in the past ten to twenty years.  So, people are taking their education and futures seriously, which could affect relationships.  Following this line, people are still trying to figure out who they are and where they are going.  You have to be able to answer: Is this where I want to live? Is this where I want to work? Is there the right career path? What about children? What makes me happy? Etc..

A marriage is a serious commitment.  I know we see a lot of celebrities run through marriages like clothes, but the core concept of marriage is a unity.  It revolves around giving yourself wholly to another individual.  Many young individuals, freshly out of college or still in college even, are still trying to figure out their own lives.  If someone is worried about their own live, how can a marriage possibly work? That person wouldn't be giving his or her full effort.  Marriage isn't easy and it needs more than partial attention.  Theoretically speaking, it's supposed to be a selfless and not a selfish act.

It makes sense, though.  As a 22 year old, I have no idea where my life is headed. I couldn't imagine being married at the moment.  I have so much uncertainty right now.  Heck, I've even said in an interview or two that five years from now I'd like to know where I want to be in life.  I'd being lying if I said anything different.  If two individuals are trying to figure out their own lives, it's going to be hard to help each other in any kind of positive capacity..

So why would the second marriage be better?

Second marriages are more likely to work for one simple reason: they happen later in life.  First off, your brain is fully developed (aka you've hit peak brain maturation).  Similarly, usually around this time you understand where your life is, what your goals are, and where your life is going.  Road blocks are always going to exist, but this makes a marriage much more fluid.  Why? You can verbalize this understanding with your partner.  Then, instead of working things out as you go along, you are able to lay it out from the get go.  So both of you know what you're getting into. It's less likely for a person to change in this aspect.

Take my cousin for example.  She's a few years older than me and about to get married.  She was patient with things, though.  She figured her own life out first (to an extent) before delving into marriage.  Her and her future husband are settled in their own lives at the moment.  She has been immersed in her career for several years now and she knows this career is the one that will satisfy her.  He is the same way. So? So, they have been able to reach a deeper understanding of each other, which has so far lead to a deeper love.  A love where they understand what each other wants and needs because they understand their own wants and needs.  And let me tell you, it's really special.  You can just tell how much they care for each other, but it's not just a puppy love.  The level of comfortability is astounding.  They found each other as the missing puzzle piece and it is beautiful.  I am truly excited to experience their unity together because I think it is being done with the best interest involved.  I could probably use some other cousin's marriages as examples, but this one gets the point across.

But wait...

I tend to think waiting is the way to go.  By waiting, I mean waiting until you understand yourself before committing to someone else.  I've read recently (somewhat recently at least) that many young people are taking this approach because they are scared of divorce.  It makes a lot of sense as I've mapped out above.  HOWEVER, I'm not sitting here preaching this way is fool proof and the only way it works.  Again, life is too random for that.  Later marriages can still fail, I get that.  Also, early in life marriages can work.  For instance, my great aunt and great uncle married in their early twenties and have been married for forever.  Like, I am fairly certain they are broaching 70 years together (health is obviously a factor in that).  It's amazing to think about being with someone for that long, and to be happy.  From everything I can gather, they are happy.  Whenever I see them, they've always had a certain freshness about them; as in they share a level of comfortability and understanding with each other that's astounding.  They are able to have fun with each other after all these years.

http://1000awesomethings.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/old-people-holding-hands2.jpg

The fact is, some people know what they want to do and where they want their life to go early on.  For others, it takes time.  I think what I'm trying to get at here is we shouldn't carry such a negative connotation to marriage.  It is supposed to be a fulfilling partnership that helps you're life find full fruition.  I just think it's something so precious we shouldn't rush it.  Do you really want to waste precious years living a lie because you have a puppy love?  Sometimes love hits you, hard.  When you know, you know.  But we need to understand that it's a precarious situation and one that shouldn't be taken lightly.

Do I think we all have one true love? No, that'd be too messy and nearly impossible (though it could be argued as the reason so many relationships fail).  I think it's more about expressing yourself to both yourself and your partner.  That way, you know where you are and where things stand.  It just seems like the best way for relationships, and marriages, to last.  It is vital to understand yourself first before trying to understand others.  It's nearly impossible to really co-exist with someone successfully when you can't exist with your own self.

I guess, at the end of the day, as with many things it boils down to communication.  From what I can tell, the longest lasting and most fruitful relationships are those with good communication.  It's too important of a component not to have.  Things aren't going to always work out, I know.  But you (presumably) only have one life to live. Don't you want to make it the best life possible?  Hampering yourself early seems like a mistake.  Take a step back and realize people are living longer nowadays.  People my age especially keep freaking out that we are so old, but in reality we aren't.  Fall in love, get married, but do so completely and fully.  We owe it to ourselves to not bullshit our lives.  Make sure it's a happy one.

I can see the happiness in my cousin and it just makes me so hopeful that things are going to be okay.  I promise, if you show mettle and perseverance, things will work out.  Divorce exists just as hate exists, darkness exists, and evil exists.  But the light will always shine brighter.

To My Future Children: Thoughts on Parenthood

I think I'd eventually like to blog on here more consistently (e.g. more than once per week), but I'm really not sure if I have the readership for that, which is totally fine.  As always, many things on my mind, but I'll focus on a particular subject.  Sometimes, I worry that I'll use up all of the interesting topics early and then lose steam eventually, but I tend to think there is no real dearth of interesting topics so as long as I keep an open mind, I'll continue to find things to discuss.  Among the various thoughts traversing my mind, I've decided to talk about parenthood today.

"Wait, did he say parenthood? What does he know about parenthood?"  To be honest, nothing. Directly, anyways.  If you haven't noticed by now, I'll lay it out here for you: I have keen sense of observation (at least I've been told).  So, while you may think I know not what I speak bare with me.  Either you'll find this interesting and useful or you'll have ammunition against me.  Either way: I think this will be worth your time.

I could attack this topic from various angles, but I think the best way to do it is the thought that first really drew me to it.

An Open Letter

I've told many people the following intent: When (if) I have kids, I intend to write them a letter before their births or possibly just after their births.  Why?  I want to apologize for messing him, her, or them up.  I want to let my children know that I intend to try my very best to raise them right, but I can't control everything.  I'm not necessarily sure there is such a thing as the right way to raise a child.  I mean, if such a method existed wouldn't it be more commonplace? I don't know what I'll do wrong or how I will mess them up, but I've realized that I believe I am going to in some way, shape, or form.  In this letter, though, I want to be clear that it isn't my intent.  I honestly will do everything I can to be the best parent I can be--as best as I know.  Again, the thing is, there is no real hand book on how to raise a child or children.  Yes, plenty of money sucking how-to books exist, but again no foolproof formula is percolating through parenthood.  Instead, it's going to be a constant battle of trial and error.  Somethings will work; others will not.  It's just how life works.  Somethings that worked on me will be useful but not everything.  Life is too random and natural law is too volatile for things to work without a rate of failure.  Down the road, I believe my child/ren will blame me for some mishap, insecurity, etc. but I want them to understand I didn't do it purposefully.  Finally, I intend to tell them I understand that this letter won't make much sense to them at first, and they will probably think I'm seeking to justify my ineptitudes, but one day I believe they will understand where I am coming from.

Our Parents

Some people have really awesome families.  These people love to talk about familial experiences; they love to have people over; they genuinely look forward to parenthood so they can be the type of parents their parents were to them.  Other people aren't as lucky.  These people remain quiet when discussing home life; they don't have people over; and they fret about pending parenthood (or don't want to be parents in general).  I'm really broadening the spectrum here, but let me qualify and specify a little more before you jump to conclusions.  I am not trying to insinuate that a happy family means someone will definitely want to be a parent or vice versa.  I'm just throwing out some generalities.  Some of our parents are really, truly great.  Others, not so much.  What we need to realize (I believe) is that the parents who fall short of our standards may not intentionally do so.  Yes, I realize that some parents make conscious decisions to neglect their responsibilities, but I'd venture to believe (optimistically) that many parents who struggle do so with good underlying intentions.

Regardless of where someone feels their childhood falls, in terms of how his or her parent(s) are, I've found a commonality: the parent(s) have messed them up.  I say messed them up somewhat loosely here.  What I mean is that I don't think I have heard an individual not blame his or her parent(s) for something wrong with them.  Whether is be they are too shy, or too untrusting, or too competitive, or not good enough, etc.  Kids blame their parents, which makes sense to a point.  It's generally agreed upon a person is composed of a combination of nature and nurture, so parents play an undeniable role in our development.

One Day We'll Learn

Since so many people feel this way to some extent (some to a larger scale than others), I've come to a conclusion.  It's an inevitable fact of life that parents are going to mess up.  For all the parents out there, I don't mean this negatively, although it surely sounds pessimistic and argumentative.  I'm just saying, no matter how great of a parent you are, you are going to mess up with something.  We are finite, imperfect beings for a reason.  It's just the nature of life.  Even bad parents are going to strike gold or do something well.  It's a natural balance that exists.  As I've said before, besides the obvious outliers I think most parents genuinely try hard to do a good job and have the utmost amiable intentions.

As kids who aren't parents yet, I think it's hard to realize this fact somethings.  We can't really know what it's like to have such a great responsibility bestowed upon us until it happens.  Sure, we can imagine how much better we will be as parents or what we will do differently, but that's all imagination, not reality.  I honestly believe that once (if) we become parents empathy will flow freely.  Yes, we may learn and do things differently, but we aren't going to be perfect.  We will hit rough patches; we will mess up.  It happens, though.  Our parents tried. You will try.  It doesn't mean you should avoid parenting. I'm just saying as kids we need to realize that yes things happened, but things happen to everyone.  As parents, we (will) need to realize that mistakes will be made.  We just need to learn from the mistakes or do as best as we can.  Love fully and give yourself completely.

Our parents have tried, are trying, and will try to give us the best life they can.  It doesn't always work, but I really think we sometimes forget how difficult it can be for them.

So, yes, my future kids: I will mess up.  I'm sorry, but just know that I will love you to the best of my capabilities and I will do everything in my power to make sure you understand that (without suffocating you of course).  This life we live is sure crazy, but together we'll make the best one we can.