This post if focused towards my fellow recent college graduates, but I think it can serve definite relevance to a multitude of individuals. The more I think about it, the more I think we all could use this reminder to some extent.
A couple of posts ago, I talked about the difficulty of transitions in terms of friendships. I wrote about how peculiar and difficult starting over constantly can be. Now that college has passed, while many people have solid friendships fortified after four years together in the close and comfortable confines of college, many people aren't in the same boat. Furthermore, many recent grads have either moved back home, moved to a new place, or had several close friends move away. On top of that, I have found many people, myself included, wanting to maybe expand their friend circles. Personally, I think this problem can arise for various people. For instance, a family who moves to a new town, someone older who doesn't have friends or has lost friends, even people in college, high school, etc. Heck, grandparents (who I doubt read this blog) get lonely too. So, therein lies the question: How do you make new friends outside of an overtly convenient setting?
Well, well, well...
As with most things, I don't think there exists an easy answer to this question, and yet I think the solution may possibly be easier than we think. Before I get into the solution, or possible solution, I want to discuss why this problem exists in the first place. While it's difficult to start over throughout our period of growing up in terms of friends, we take advantage the convenience of school. Going to school makes it SO easy to make friends. Okay, yes, it isn't always super easy. At various stages of life you're going to have to deal with the popular kids, the cliques, the bullies. While I understand those are really struggles and issues, I'm not sure they are as extreme or frequent as movies portray or the news relays. I could be wrong, though. I'm sorry if that was the case. Anyways, back to the point. When you are surrounded by a ton of people for numerous hours a day every day or in college where you not only have class with people but you also live with those people, you are bound to find and form friendships. You don't feel much pressure, necessarily, because you have so many people to pick from and can choose the friends you want. It's not like you have to make the best first impression because you'll surely get ten thousand (hyperbole) more chances. In terms of pressurized situations, making friends in school, college especially, doesn't score high.It's weird, I feel like we are almost spoiled and equally hurt in this sense. While some people are naturally outgoing and make friends, regardless of the situation, with ease, others of us haven't learned or been trained to so naturally meet new people. Now that we are graduated, it's difficult to think of situations that are easily facilitate friendships. You don't have that class or club or event to just make new friends. And even if there is an event, the likelihood of you ever seeing that person again is slimmer by the minute.
So, basically, it seems really difficult to meet new people. Beside the convenience, I know a lot of people my age especially (possible other ages as well) think it is weird and creepy to go up to random people and start a conversation. It doesn't seem to be quite socially acceptable. With that comes a certain embarrassment, a certain nervousness. What do I say? What if they don't like me? I shouldn't do it. Ugh, they're leaving.
On top of that, we similarly have the problem of meeting people we'd like to date. I think even more pressure and anxiety exists within that realm. Yes, we're all (mostly) legal to go to bars. But do you really want to meet you significant other there? I mean, it could definitely work out, but from what I've gathered and seen, not a whole lot of successful, fruitful relationships come from bar hookups. Note: I think some people may argue that's not necessarily the case as it worked for some in college. I'd argue college bar hookups aren't necessarily the same. When you meet someone, generally, at the bar in college, they are also a student so while inebriation facilitates the relationship, the educational and goal oriented aspect of the individual drives it forward. You also have the wonderful world of online dating, which is a whole different and interesting animal.
Deep down, I bet you could find someone at any age struggling with this problem. Heck, I know I have already, or at least thought about it obviously. So what's the solution?
A couple quick hit ideas
I think what we need to realize, first and foremost, is that just because we've matriculated into adulthood doesn't mean we have to stop living life. Au contrarie. Many opportunities for use exist outside of college to meet new people, it just takes a bit more effort.First, the working world. While there probably won't be an influx of college grads walking around your new place of employment, there are sure to be some. Also, there should be some individuals somewhat around your age there, they may just be a couple years older, which is okay! Think about it as a school type situation and build a friendship. You can do it!
Maybe you want to leave work at work and not integrate workmates into your social circle. Fine. I think the other oft forgotten but obvious way to meet new people is by doing something you enjoy. Say what? By that, I mean join something. If you like yoga, take yoga classes. If you enjoy soccer, join a soccer league. If reading books if for you, join a book club. It's not as easy as going to the club fair within the first couple weeks of school starting, but such clubs and organizations exist. You could even volunteer at various places. It's really a win-win situation. For one, you are doing something you enjoy, which gets you doing something besides working. Secondly, you get to meet people who already share a commonality with you. Isn't that what helps form friendships? Commonalities? I think so. Google is a magical and mystical place that can find you where such things exist in close proximity to your place of residency. You can do it! The best part of it all? If it doesn't work out, you don't have to go back! Just take a chance.
So, I think those are two very viable paths you could take to meeting new people, but I don't think you or I or we are limited to just those two, bars, online, etc.
My theory
I think ultimately meeting new people requires three words. I actually told a different friend this phrase the other day and it stems from when I was younger and my brother used to give me advice. The three words? Mettle and moxie. What alliteration, right?!
At the end of the day, I think it comes down to our ability to throw ourselves out there and move on. Courage and ability to handle adversity. My brother would often tell me, especially when talking about
meeting potential relationship interests, "Go for it, if it fails what do you lose?". What a great insight.
Think about it. We get so worried and so caught up in what to say or failing or being creepy when it comes to meeting new people, especially when it comes to people living in our building, people at stores, strangers at events, someone walking down the street, etc. I empathize with the averse and apprehensive feelings. I've felt and feel the same way. But seriously, what do we have to lose? The person was not in your life to begin with, right? You're interested in meeting him or her. If you try talking and it doesn't work they are not in your life. So, what you're saying is he or she isn't in my life and may ultimately not be in my life? Exactly! It's like you're betting on a 50/50 jackpot and you got the ticket for free. You're taking a risk or a gamble, but you can only gain. Oh no, you made a fool of yourself and got rejected in the supermarket. You can never go to that super market again..oh wait! If the person is going to degrade you for opening conversation, were they worth it in the first place? Think of the potential, this person could be your friend, he or she could be a lover, he or she could be a total jerk. Right now he or she isn't anything. So, if he or she doesn't turn out to be anything..bing, bang, boom..NOTHING HAPPENS! How great is that?!
Gambling with relatively nothing to lose.
You've made friends before; you've met new people before. Do you know what that means? You're likable, you can talk to people, etc. What should you talk about? Well, you could pick a topic relevant to your location since you're both in the same place. Or, you could simple say hey, I just thought you seemed interesting.
I think a great example of enacting this mettle and moxie is this YouTube channel called Simple Pickups. While at first glance, you might say that this channel is misogynistic because it makes girls simple objects as these guys try to get there number. I think to extent, that's probably true. However, they've gone on record as saying they don't usually call the girls or take advantage of their numbers. Instead, they're just trying to show people you can meet people even by being random. They don't always succeed, but to my point and theirs it takes mettle and moxie. They don't let one rejection get them down because that rejection was from someone who is and was nonexistent in their lives. The act of talking to people, they show, is pretty innocuous. They do a bunch of ridiculous things and yet are still able to get girls' numbers. I'm not suggesting you be over-sexual or overtly ridiculous, but I'm just saying you can talk to strangers. It's okay.
I sometimes think we make life out to be more difficult than it actually is. This problem seems to be a excellent example. We sometimes take our pride too seriously and rejection too harshly. I'd hope by now we could realize that many of the most successful people throughout history failed and were rejected numerous times before succeeded. It happens. So, my friends, whether you are just graduated from college, have been out of college for twenty plus years, never went to college, or are just someone looking to meet new people, I believe in you; I believe in us. We can, by just going for it, meet new people. Hopefully, I've laid out some ideas that you could use to improve your situation. Is it an easy solution? I think it depends on the individual. But I do think a solution exists and you should never simply throw in the towel. Fight on.
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