Failing to Fail: Get Out of Bed

I've been thinking about something lately. I know what you're thinking ("when aren't you thinking about something!). You caught me.

Anywho, I verbalized this thought, concisely, to a friend today.  I've decided that I've been failing at failing, and it's something that has really started to bug me.

"Failing at failing? What ever could you be talking about?!" Well, I'm certainly glad you asked!  Allow me to explain.

As many of you probably know, one of my biggest fears is failing. As I've discussed in the past, though, failing isn't and shouldn't be considered a bad thing.  Certain type of failing, anyways. I haven't done a good enough job lately of putting myself in a position to fail. I have failed to give myself a chance to fail.

While at first you might think that's a good thing. I mean, who REALLY wants to fail? Thinking about it, though, doing so is preventing me from reaching greater heights. Many times (saying many times so I don't generalize), putting yourself in a position to fail means you're giving yourself a chance to succeed, to reach a goal, or to gain.

It's like the whole light and darkness binary--just as you need darkness to appreciate light, you need failure to appreciate success. By failing to fail, I'm trying to stay in the light, which is leaving me stuck with blindness in the maze that is life.

The crazy thing about this failure is that I've found I've flourished most when put in a situation where I could fail. For instance, when I was in high school, I randomly participated in a dance contest while waiting to get signatures from a few musicians. Was I nervous? Hell yes. Was there a chance I'd lose or embarrass myself? Hell yes. I ended up putting myself in a position to fail, and I succeeded. I not only won the contest, but I also got to do the worm for the musicians, and my brother and I were personally invited to the concert.  Staying safe wouldn't have afforded me those opportunities.

Honestly, putting myself in a position to fail isn't too scary once I do it.  While I'm scared of failure, I usually use failure to learn and grow. The hardest part for me is positioning myself.  It's odd really.

I came up with a simile that makes a lot sense to me. Putting myself in a position to fail is like getting out of bed. I sometimes find that it's really tough to get out of bed in the morning sometimes. The snooze button is such a whore, always wanting to be touched. I'm fine once I get out of bed. I'll wake up and be ready for the day. It's just so much more comfortable in the bed. I know getting out of bed will help me start the day and get me moving, but it's sometimes difficult. Similarly, I find many times I stay in my bed of safety even though I know deep down stepping out of the bed and into the position of possible failure is the better choice.

The worst part about all of this problem is that it's so easy to fix--in theory. JUST GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BED, ROBERT. When I think about it, it's easy, but I freeze too often, and it irks me. The only real way to fix it, though, is to get out of the bed.

Maybe I just need to take baby steps, maybe I need to write myself a note that says, "Did you fail today?", or maybe I just need to jump. I'm sure what my solution is, but I'm sure tired of it bugging me.

Let's think about it here. Are you putting yourself in a position to fail (as scary as that sounds)? Are you giving yourself the chance to reach your goals, to find happiness, to live? Sure you're positioning yourself to fail, but it's not a guaranteed failure.  You can only eat ramen for so long.

It's time I take a step back and figure out where I want my life to go and where I need to reposition myself, and I encourage you to join me. Nerves will kick in and you may get nervous, but the results will be worth it. You'll learn, you'll grow, you'll succeed. No more failing at failing.

Let's get out of bed.

Airplane Safety: It's Obviously a Life Lesson

About a week and a half ago, I traveled for a work conference. Where I traveled to and what I traveled for (specifically) isn't important for the sake of this post. The fact that I traveled, though, is relevant.

I've been reading more lately than usually, and it's been fascinating and thought provoking. Not only I'm I drawn by these stories, but they're really making me think about a variety of subjects (as if I needed more things to think about). Anyways, the most recent books I've read, The Fault in Our Stars and Perks of Being a Wallflower (both recommended and both books I'd recommend), seem to both focus to some degree on individual action.  They both shout the message that the world isn't going to give you want you want; you have to take it (okay, well some people seem to have the world on speed dial).

What does traveling have to do with the thoughts about these books? Simple: Air plane safety procedures.

I got to thinking the other day that a particular air plane safety procedure thematically follows a key message in the aforementioned books.

I'm referring to the rule about what happens if oxygen pressure drops in the cabin and the oxygen masks fall from above. They tell you how to put the mask on, which seems relatively simple. The key, the rule they emphasis, is to put on your mask BEFORE you put on someone else's oxygen mask.  The thought process, I'd assume, is if you get nervous and mess up helping your companion, you're both pretty screwed. Okay, so that wasn't the best way to put it, but it gets the point across.

According to this rule, you can't adequately help someone else until you help yourself out first. Bing, bang, boom; connection made.

Whenever I hear this rule on a plane (the whole five times I've traveled on a plane), I always have hypothetical thoughts. What if it's my spouse next to me? Or a child? Or MY child? Could I really sit there and secure my safety while I'm seemingly putting him or her at risk? It's hard for me to think I could. Like, I'd want to do what's right; so, I may decide to follow the rules. But, in many of the situations, I hypothetically think it's a better idea to secure his or her oxygen mask.

It's tough, but I'm starting to think that I'm wrong. Maybe it's the high from the books; maybe I'm just thinking more logically; maybe I'm growing up and learning. I'm not really sure.

If you can securely fasten your oxygen mask first, you'll have the ability to work more efficiently when trying to help others. First off, they might be capable of putting their own oxygen masks on. Secondly, while you may have adrenaline and be a little shaky, you'll have more oxygen, which will help you function. Plus, if you focus on getting yours first with the thought of helping others after, you're probably going to be more focused on getting the oxygen mask on quickly, instead of panicking to get someone else's on before you run out of air.

I've decided this thought process and the air plane safety rule is a solid metaphor for life. You have to save yourself before you can save someone else.

It's actually somewhat unfair to the other person if you don't. If you think about it, helping them first means you aren't at full strength, and who needs half-assed help?  If you can't even save yourself, how do expect to save someone else?

Okay, maybe "save" is a little extreme. How about we start off with take care of yourself. The thought applies to both.

I think my problem with this notion is I've felt like it was selfish. I felt I was selfish if I thought about myself and my own needs first (still, somewhat do); however, it's actually kind of selfish if you aren't being a little selfish.

Helping someone when I can't help myself is (a) hypocritical, (b) unfair, and (c) not helping anyone in the long run, usually.

Sure, sometimes you have to think about others in the spur of the moment. Like, oh man that guy is going to get hit by a car if I don't say anything. Duh, you say something.

I'm more referring to general-ish situations. It just seems more likely that you'll both crumble if a broken person tries to fix a broken person without trying to either separately or simultaneously fixing your own broken nature. Or if you're trying to appease someone else while not appeasing yourself, it doesn't bode well as it's probably not sustainable in a positive manner.

In Perks of Being a Wallflower (spoiler alert), towards the end the main character's crush kind of explains one instance of what I'm talking about. The crush asks him why he never asked her out after a period of hardships when he was there for her. He responded saying he was just trying to be a friend and didn't think that's what she wanted. Even though he wanted to ask her out, he was holding himself back to follow what he PERCEIVED to be her needs. In doing so, he was helping her but he wasn't fully there. He was holding back his true essence. She said that it wasn't fair to either of them to do so because for one he wasn't showing her the true him and secondly, he wasn't allowing her to be her since he made the presumption. He hid both of them by not acting, talking, or showing his feelings. All along, she actually needed him to be him. Don't worry, it works out as he finally decided to take care of himself before worrying about everyone else for once. This leads to resolutions of conflicts that helps EVERYONE in the end.

Obviously, this story is just that, a story. It's a fictional story; however, I think it holds more truths than fallacies. To me, it kind of goes back to this whole divorce debacle we face. It seems like many people marry someone else before they know who they are and before they can take care of their own needs. They then expect too much out of their partner, and things eventually crumble as they learn (or sometimes don't learn) how to achieve this particular independence despite his or her spouse instead of learning before and co-existing. It seems to be a wedge when you have to find yourself after joining a team in matrimony.

Alright, I've taken enough of your time. I think, I hope, I've gotten my point across. When I was thinking about this post I kept thinking about the line: Until you find yourself it's impossible to lose you.  I think it fits. Let's all work on working on ourselves before holding up the world with busted knee caps. Can ya dig it?

Grab your oxygen mask!

Loneliness and Sadness: Breaking the Silence

Remember how I said last time I needed to start writing more frequently again and stop making excuses? So much for that. I think I can, I think I can, I think...

While my consistency isn't what is once was, my thoughts are as countless as ever. Today, I'd like to talk about loneliness and sadness.

That's right; I said loneliness and sadness. Oh snap!

How DARE I mention those two words. We aren't supposed to talk about those words. We're supposed to be happy. We're supposed to have everything figured out. We're supposed to be strong. Society says we're NOT supposed to be weak.

Here's the deal: I think it's about time we stop letting society dictate what we can or cannot do. I think it's time we start dictating what society can or cannot do. I mean, we are kind of society after all.

I'm not sure about you, but I've always felt like there's an unwritten rule about loneliness and sadness. Heck, it's probably a written and verbalized rule. I've always felt like talking about such notions is a cause for shunning. Doing so makes you weak, and nobody likes someone who is weak. Right?

I feel like this notion has been passed on from person to person, and it's slowly become this cantankerous albatross that weighs down on our voice boxes. We become silent. In this silence, our sadness and loneliness is amplified as our sense are ever so aware of their growing presence. The presence attaches itself like a leach--feeding off out weakening sprits. As it feeds, we lose the ability to speak up or fight back. The silence grows louder but no one can hear.

It's time to fight back. It doesn't need to be like that. Our room doesn't need to be empty. In fact, I think this room is fuller than we realize but we've forgotten our lights (our voices) and we've been missing the people staring us in the face all along.

I can't speak for everyone, but through experience I've gathered that we've all gone through and we all go through shit.  Some people's shit might stink more than other's, but the fact is we all have burdens that weigh on us. Furthermore, I whole-heartedly believe that (here comes the sweeping generalization) experiences loneliness and sadness at some point. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.

I don't think simply saying that you should get over your loneliness or sadness. It doesn't work like that. I think it'd be unfair to say, "Since everyone experiences loneliness or sadness at some point to some degree, you should just get over and stop feeling sorry for yourself because you're not the only one dealing with it."

Wrong. So, so, so wrong.  Instead, I think we need to start verbalizing this loneliness or sadness more freely. I honestly think doing so could accomplish more than we think.  For one, I've found that people are more likely to open up when you open up, and they generally can empathize to some degree. Secondly, it would help bury the stigma that these type of feelings or emotions are for the weak. We're all weak at some point.

I think people are better than we give them credit for. Friends genuinely care and are usually willing to help. Maybe they're not the best at helping, but I think they genuinely would want to try. It's much easier to find your way out of the darkness when you have help searching for the light switch.

College students are flooding counseling centers. People are increasingly stressed, anxious, and depressed for a variety of reasons. Many are willing to talk to "professionals" but isn't it time we start talking to our peers?

Opening up and trusting people to help isn't going to solve the problems. It may not cure your sadness or loneliness (though it could); however, it can at least lift some weight and let you know that it's okay to feel how you're feeling and you're not alone. You're never as alone as you think you are. Never.

I strongly believe that for every one person who isn't willing to listen or doesn't care or wants to belittle you for your feelings there are ten others willing to listen or offer help. I have a feeling many of those who won't help are struggling to ask for help themselves. I lost many friends over the years -- I've noticed people come and go often -- but I've noticed that there's always someone else to be found, to be befriended, or to talk to.

I think we're all kind of alone, and maybe we could all use each other. Isn't it time? It's time to remove the leach.

I'm a little rusty with my writing; so, I'm going to end it with the help of a friend's poem:
if you ever feel alone,
then you are not alone.
lonely is the world
‘n the lonely are right at home.

Meh: Complacency Impedes Our Growth

I took a little hiatus from blogging. Actually, I took a little hiatus from personal blogging. I've been blogging for work, and I must have justified that as being "good enough." Complacency, I know.

Complacency: a villainous notion.  It's often our kryptonite in personal and professional development. We think, or maybe even feel, like things are "good enough." When we stop challenging the norm we stop growing. Complacency weeds out potential, sadly.

Okay, simply blaming idleness on complacency is a little narrow minded and an oversimplification; other factors play a role in our stunted growth. Problematically, though, I think it's easier to focus on one thing at a time. By nature, we aren't necessarily great multi-taskers. So, let's tackle this complacency since it's at the forefront of my mind.

I've been thinking about it lately not only because I've been lacking in the personal blog department, but also because it's graduation season. Graduation season comes with speeches--lots and lots of speeches. Particularly, especially in today's world, we are bombarded with celebrity speeches at their alma maters or random colleges thanks to the magical world of YouTube. Many times, those speeches are placed for comedic value, which is fine; however, if you take a listen and look for patterns, those speeches hold some not-so-hidden value.

If you take most speeches from successful people (celebrities for this example), you'll find one component that's conspicuously missing: complacency. Many of these folks weren't satisfied with "good enough" or the status quo. They didn't get their degrees or go to college and say, "well, this is my life."

Instead, the common trend seems to be their pursuit of something more. While it might come across as vanity to think of acting, for instance, as something more, it's the individual value of that something more that counts. These people had dreams and weren't afraid to chase them. They weren't go to be satisfied with good enough; they wanted to fulfill their dreams.

Most of these people may have opportunities to find something safe and become complacent; however, they decide it won't bring them fulfillment, true fulfillment.

I tend to think we become complacent because of fear (oh fear, how you drive our lives). As I've said before, I am in constant fear of failure.  It's always been something that's haunted me. Problematically, if you fear failure you tend to accept complacency. If you're unwillingly to make yourself vulnerable for the sake of achieving something greater, you stay put.

These celebrity speeches tend to talk about how they failed time and time again, and how that failure was necessary for them to find their success. They didn't become complacent, though. They didn't let the fear hold them back or knock them down. They didn't settle.

I may not always understand or like celebrities, but I have to give them credit.

I feel like the people who achieve the most in life and are the most successful, subjectively (because it's impossible to universally and objectively define success), are those who fight complacency. You may get to a point that you become complacent by virtue of reaching the top rung, but I think many of us mistake the height of our top rung.

Obviously, we must account for other factors, but I truly believe more people would find success, fulfill dreams, or get a better life if they dismissed their complacency. As always, it's easier said than done.

I was talking to a friend the other day about possible solutions to a problem. The solutions would take some work, but were definitely in the realm of plausibility. The response: "But that's too much work."

I challenge you, friends, to fight complacency and fight for what you want. Youthful people especially, but it's applicable to young and old alike. As a recent speaker suggested, wouldn't you rather fail trying something that brings you joy rather than something you dislike? As in, if you have a passion and want to be a influential blogger, wouldn't you rather continue to try finding success with your blog rather than giving up? It makes a lot of sense.

Action. Dedication. Will power. You CAN do this.

Texting Walls

Technology is killing relationships.

Wait; that's not true. Is it really killing relationships? I really don't think that's the case.  Well, not in a sweeping generalization sort of way. Can it kill relationships? Duh. But so can many other things.

While some may hold a disdain for technology, it certainly helps maintain relationships.  Staying in touch with friends and distant family members would be much more difficult (though still doable) without the advancements in technology.  As with most things, though, it's all about moderation.

While I'd argue that technology doesn't quite kill relationships, I'd argue that you can't originate or grow a relationship through it.  Doing so isn't organic--it's robotic (see what I did there!).  I'm specifically considering technology in the form of textual communications.

Let's break it down:

For relationships, I'm talking about both friendships and intimacies (and not acquaintances), you need vulnerability.  Vulnerability is the fertilizer for any successful relationship. With vulnerability comes trust; you can't have trust without it.

Vulnerability is essential. You need real human interaction, though, for it to truly exist.  You need to have that moment of fear, or inhibition, or oh shit did I really just say that? You need to present your reality and not your ideology.

With things like text messaging, Facebook chats, and dating sites, we can't truly get to know someone. The relationships that originate from those devices can't be sustained. They don't have the vulnerability.

Sure, you can spill your guts to someone or they cant tell you their life stories, but it's a farce. We think we're breaking down walls and getting to know someone but instead we're getting thought-out calculations.  When you develop a relationship over text, you fall into the false illusion that your breaking down a wall.  Instead, you're taking out bricks and getting a small peak into the inside.

When we finally meet face-to-face, the reality of this wall's existence smacks us as we run full-force to breach the borders. While textual communications give us insights, it simultaneously almost add an additional wall, or a barrier. Suddenly, when communication is live, the barrier is gone and things get weird (and not in a good way).

Interaction must be quick, before this false sense of security takes over. If you meet someone briefly and find yourself communicating via texts, that doesn't mean it's destined to fail.  I'm merely suggesting we need more realistic conversations and interactions sooner than later.  A foundation can't be built with barriers--let the barriers come later, if they must at all.

The goal in many of our lives is to find a partner, right? Well, how can you truly find a partner if you speak from afar? Even if you fall in love with who they are through text, it sets up an even harder journey.  Breaking those walls to build your own foundation becomes much more difficult.

Just a thought.

A Brief Birthday Reflection

As a kid, of course I loved my birthday. I mean, who doesn't? You get cake, ice cream, sometimes a special dinner, and PRESENTS! Woo presents! Also, if your birthday fell within the school week, you could bring in treats for everyone, which usually led to you perusing the school for anyone willing to accept one of your treats in exchange for a nifty pencil. And that's all because you were born on that day some years in the past. Thank you, thank you. Please hold the applause!

As I got older, and get older, I find the birthdays kind of whimsical.  We get celebrated for our birthday.  We get paraded over for being born. Especially now in the age of Facebook, it's always interesting to see who will tell you "Happy Birthday" even though that person doesn't talk to you throughout the year.  You're suddenly important.

As I've gotten older, I've become someone who isn't really comfortable with unnecessary attention; it makes me feel icky. Don't get me wrong, it's great to receive birthday wishes and acknowledgement. Maybe I just have high expectations for myself, but I often think I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  I'd rather put my head down, get the job done, and move forward. So when something like a birthday comes up, I feel weird.  Like, what did I do to deserve this?

Following this thought, I've started a new-ish tradition that you may find interesting.  I like to call or text my mom, or talk to her if she calls me first, and thank her for giving birth to me.  Because, let's face it, this couldn't have happened without her.  I wouldn't be celebrating a birthday without her saying yes to me.

I could say the same to my dad, as he played an integral role in my creation and development, but I guess it seems like my mom ultimately had the final call. I may get presents or treated well on my birthday, but I feel like I should be the one treating her to something nice.  She did this.

I think stepping back and thinking about birthdays (or anniversaries of your birth day) can be a good reflection.  Sometimes, we can get so caught up in our everyday lives that we forget our roots or forget some simple details. Don't be afraid to celebrate your birthday or your life; all I'm saying it's let's not forget how we got here, and let's not take that for granted.  Thank you mothers of the world, for many cakes would not be had without your saying yes to us.

The Working World: Dreaming About Skills Over Experience

The life of a young professional: working hard and dreaming of reaching that goal. It's a struggle; it's a fight. Can I just say that I find corporate America to be incredibly frustrating? I mean, America in general can be frustrating at times; so, I guess that isn't really overreaching. I wish I had the funds to own a company, or start a company.  Maybe I just need to have the guts to do it. Yeah, maybe I need to stop complaining or wishing and start doing. I could also not be thinking plausibly. I think, though, I have a better design to have a better business (theoretically).

Let me lay this thought out for you. First, per usual, allow me to qualify.  I encourage you, before you start judging me, to hear me out.  This desire to change the landscape may sound like a "Millennial" mindset. You may be thinking, "Here's a kid who wants the world given to him without having to work hard for it. It's a shame that he has the audacity to believe he's qualified or even entitled to gains that others earned though years of hard work."  See, that's thinking with a narrow mind and generalizing.  I get that eventually those who have the skill, pay their dues, and work hard get to where they want to go, but it doesn't always work like that and it shouldn't always have to work like that.  Why can't those with the work ethic and skill advance? (<--tooting my own horn, eh?)

My frustration stems from being a young professional who is stuck in my current situation because of lack of experience (in years).  I have plenty of quality experience, but since I'm a fresh college grad, my quantitative experience just doesn't stack up.  I can't get certain positions because I don't have four years doing such and such task.  I may be able to do such and such task as well as someone with the four years experience, but that doesn't matter.

To give you an example, I applied for a job that I felt pretty confident I could get.  Heck, I knew the team I'd be working with and I had direct experience working within the confines of the job's description.  I had subbed for the position and filled it seamlessly.  Sounds like things would go in my favor, right? Wrong. I never even got passed HR as they filtered me out because my resume didn't reflect the four years experience minimally required for the position. It didn't matter that people in the department knew I could do the job because my years of experience dictated otherwise.  I digress...

I wonder what would happen if we let skills weigh more than experience.  I understand the value of experience, but just because someone has years on you doesn't necessarily mean they can do a better job. I will note: I get there could be some frustration here coming from someone who has experience because I know with poor economic times came cuts of many experienced folks. I'm just wondering, why wouldn't a company want the BEST people to do the BEST work?  For real, some people have better skill sets than others.  Some people are kept on for loyalty or the years they put in.  I'm not suggesting that someone should get fired so I can get a better position and take his or her place; I'm merely wondering why someone of my age who shows the aptitude for more can't move up without gaining a few years under my belt.

Why can't we give people the opportunity to do jobs and see if they succeed? A resume can be so misleading and such a joke. You can't necessarily know what a person can or cannot do based off of a resume. Why can't we put people in positions that will allow not only them to reach their potential but the company to reach the potential? Like, I keep envisioning a place where you have some sort of aptitude test (maybe not that because I've always sucked at standardized testing) or some sort of situational test. Based on how people perform, you position them accordingly.  If they exceedingly kick butt at the position, and you can tell it's not a fluke, why not increase the role? If it doesn't work, move them back.  People may dislike this thought process because it could be limiting for some.  Just off the top of my head, I could see people being upset because under this school of thought you could have a ton of experience, but if you aren't necessarily superiorly skilled you'd be stuck in a position and thus stuck in a pay scale, which could make things difficult.  My thought, though, would be the more successful a company is, the more money you'd have to increase wages.

This is the problem and this is why I'd need to run this ideal business. Money. Theoretically, it could work because I'm not someone who is money driven.  I mean, yes, I want money and desire the ability to live comfortably.  But I've never considered myself someone who would have (for instance) millions of dollars and do everything in my power to squeeze out millions more.  I just want to live without worry, not luxuriously.  Thus, I'd have no problem paying for production.  Each person is, or at least should be, valuable in a companies success or failure.  If people are positioned to do what's best for the company, to maximize profit, they should get rewarded accordingly.  If this was properly done, being stuck in a certain spot theoretically shouldn't be a problem.

Blah.

I'm still not sure where my road will take me, and I understand my dream isn't a reality.  I'm still going to work hard and keep on trucking until my opportunity comes. I'm just saying it'd be nice if when people recognize you for doing good work (legitimately not just a hey keep it up buddy) it meant something more than simply wait until you hit the quantitative level and your time will come. Keep on dreaming. Keep on working.

The life...