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As an insomniac and somewhat introvert, I am constantly thinking. The concept of marriage is one topic that continuously arises in my thoughts. A while back, one of my Facebook friends posted a series of questions regarding marriage. One question asked: "Someone told me to get married young to get the first one out of the way. Thoughts?"
Initial response: What a cynical view of the world. Can you blame him though? I mean divorce rates are through the roof. Plus, marriage is such a long term commitment. Do we even believe in it anymore?
In a little over a week, I will be home celebrating the long term commitment of my cousin and her fiance. I think their impending marriage will help me delve into the concept of marriage.
Where to start? Where to start?
I think one of the greatest, most interesting, and simultaneously worst aspects of life is how inconsistent it is. Something that works for one person doesn't necessarily work out for another person. It really keeps you on your toes because you honestly never truly know the outcome until it happens. Thus, like most topics, marriage is such a tricky concept to pigeonhole. Parameters can't precisely be set because I just don't think it works that easily. I will say, though, certain things should be considered when taking that step.I'd like to start with that thought-sparking question and kind of work my way around from there. Wanting to get married early to get the first one out of the way is such a defeatist attitude. Again, I get the opinion because of divorce rates, but I just think it's a terrible approach. Initially, I think it's difficult for many people because our parents and grandparents historically were married at early ages. So, people my age often freak out that they aren't married or on the verge of marriage yet (like my brother at times). So, there's some initial pressure. Couple that with divorce rates and of course you want to "get it out of the way." That statement, though, insinuates a key point: the second marriage will be better, presumably. Why is that?
Fun fact of the day: psychologically speaking (in a scientific sense) our brains aren't fully developed until the age of 25. Think about that: you are still mentally growing and maturing until that age. You don't "peak" until then. You are still changing. I think this fact definitely plays a role in the argument from divorcees that "my partner changed." Chemically speaking, if you marry someone at a young age, they could certainly change. So, that's one problem.
A couple other factors also play a role in the impending failure of early marriages--this brain development factor could play a sub-role within these factors. For one, more people are going to college these days and trying to make something out of their lives. The amount of college students has drastically increased in the past ten to twenty years. So, people are taking their education and futures seriously, which could affect relationships. Following this line, people are still trying to figure out who they are and where they are going. You have to be able to answer: Is this where I want to live? Is this where I want to work? Is there the right career path? What about children? What makes me happy? Etc..
A marriage is a serious commitment. I know we see a lot of celebrities run through marriages like clothes, but the core concept of marriage is a unity. It revolves around giving yourself wholly to another individual. Many young individuals, freshly out of college or still in college even, are still trying to figure out their own lives. If someone is worried about their own live, how can a marriage possibly work? That person wouldn't be giving his or her full effort. Marriage isn't easy and it needs more than partial attention. Theoretically speaking, it's supposed to be a selfless and not a selfish act.
It makes sense, though. As a 22 year old, I have no idea where my life is headed. I couldn't imagine being married at the moment. I have so much uncertainty right now. Heck, I've even said in an interview or two that five years from now I'd like to know where I want to be in life. I'd being lying if I said anything different. If two individuals are trying to figure out their own lives, it's going to be hard to help each other in any kind of positive capacity..
So why would the second marriage be better?
Second marriages are more likely to work for one simple reason: they happen later in life. First off, your brain is fully developed (aka you've hit peak brain maturation). Similarly, usually around this time you understand where your life is, what your goals are, and where your life is going. Road blocks are always going to exist, but this makes a marriage much more fluid. Why? You can verbalize this understanding with your partner. Then, instead of working things out as you go along, you are able to lay it out from the get go. So both of you know what you're getting into. It's less likely for a person to change in this aspect.
Take my cousin for example. She's a few years older than me and about to get married. She was patient with things, though. She figured her own life out first (to an extent) before delving into marriage. Her and her future husband are settled in their own lives at the moment. She has been immersed in her career for several years now and she knows this career is the one that will satisfy her. He is the same way. So? So, they have been able to reach a deeper understanding of each other, which has so far lead to a deeper love. A love where they understand what each other wants and needs because they understand their own wants and needs. And let me tell you, it's really special. You can just tell how much they care for each other, but it's not just a puppy love. The level of comfortability is astounding. They found each other as the missing puzzle piece and it is beautiful. I am truly excited to experience their unity together because I think it is being done with the best interest involved. I could probably use some other cousin's marriages as examples, but this one gets the point across.
But wait...
I tend to think waiting is the way to go. By waiting, I mean waiting until you understand yourself before committing to someone else. I've read recently (somewhat recently at least) that many young people are taking this approach because they are scared of divorce. It makes a lot of sense as I've mapped out above. HOWEVER, I'm not sitting here preaching this way is fool proof and the only way it works. Again, life is too random for that. Later marriages can still fail, I get that. Also, early in life marriages can work. For instance, my great aunt and great uncle married in their early twenties and have been married for forever. Like, I am fairly certain they are broaching 70 years together (health is obviously a factor in that). It's amazing to think about being with someone for that long, and to be happy. From everything I can gather, they are happy. Whenever I see them, they've always had a certain freshness about them; as in they share a level of comfortability and understanding with each other that's astounding. They are able to have fun with each other after all these years.
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The fact is, some people know what they want to do and where they want their life to go early on. For others, it takes time. I think what I'm trying to get at here is we shouldn't carry such a negative connotation to marriage. It is supposed to be a fulfilling partnership that helps you're life find full fruition. I just think it's something so precious we shouldn't rush it. Do you really want to waste precious years living a lie because you have a puppy love? Sometimes love hits you, hard. When you know, you know. But we need to understand that it's a precarious situation and one that shouldn't be taken lightly.
Do I think we all have one true love? No, that'd be too messy and nearly impossible (though it could be argued as the reason so many relationships fail). I think it's more about expressing yourself to both yourself and your partner. That way, you know where you are and where things stand. It just seems like the best way for relationships, and marriages, to last. It is vital to understand yourself first before trying to understand others. It's nearly impossible to really co-exist with someone successfully when you can't exist with your own self.
I guess, at the end of the day, as with many things it boils down to communication. From what I can tell, the longest lasting and most fruitful relationships are those with good communication. It's too important of a component not to have. Things aren't going to always work out, I know. But you (presumably) only have one life to live. Don't you want to make it the best life possible? Hampering yourself early seems like a mistake. Take a step back and realize people are living longer nowadays. People my age especially keep freaking out that we are so old, but in reality we aren't. Fall in love, get married, but do so completely and fully. We owe it to ourselves to not bullshit our lives. Make sure it's a happy one.
I can see the happiness in my cousin and it just makes me so hopeful that things are going to be okay. I promise, if you show mettle and perseverance, things will work out. Divorce exists just as hate exists, darkness exists, and evil exists. But the light will always shine brighter.
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